Dirty jokes

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I called my boss this morning and asked him "What's the difference between work and your wife"
He says "What?"
I said "I'm not coming into work today"

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Yo momma is like a video game. You pay once and play her for life.

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A lot of people that are adopted are insecure because they feel like they weren't wanted. But that's сrар, you know, 'cause a lot of people were complete accidents that are only here because of alcohol and prom night and, possibly, Oasis.

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You guys have it so easy. You don't shave: it's sеxy, it's a turn-on. We don't shave: it's birth control.

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Is that a bat in your pocket, or does my costume excite you?

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They say that when a women hits you it's her way of flirting. I just grabbed this girls аss and she flirted me square in the ваlls.

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I saw a Thai girl on the train earlier today and I kept thinking to myself, don’t get an еrестiоn, don’t get an еrестiоn, don’t get an еrестiоn, but then she did.

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Today a fortune cookie told me that every exit is an entrance. Long story short, my girlfriend said no.

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What does Mr Kipling like to do in his spare time?
Fill tarts with cream.

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My doctor told me last week that I don’t eat enough vegetables so I’ve now started dating a girl who has down syndrome.

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Friend:u home me: yea watching the game friend: good i'm comin over and i'm bringing cold hermaphrodites with me
Me: uh... No thanks bro
Friend: hermaphrodites!
Heineken! Jesus crust
Christ!
Me: lol ill unlock the door u freak

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Random kid: fuск YOU!
Me: go fuск yourself, you'll get more pussy

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Boy: hey baby, maybe you should come over and I can show you a good time. It's really hard
Girls dad: this is Serena's dad, what exactly will she be doing with something hard?
Boy: oh... Hey mr Gonzales I was wandering if Serena wanted to come play video games with me on hard mode.
Girls dad: well Serena isn't have now but I could come over and try, I love video games.
Boy: I don't think it's hard anymore...

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One day dad and his son taking a bath suddenly son fall down but survive by caught his dad реnis,and dad smile looking his son down and say if it was your mom you will lose teeth

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Went to the sреrм bank today.
It’s so much more fun than donating blood.

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I'll never forget how she told us. She took us all out to brunch, and she was like, 'You guys, I'm keeping this one.'

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I bet you can increase my productivity.

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Managed to fake my first оrgаsм with my wife the other night. I just made a loud grunting noise and then poured warm yogurt on her аss.

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