Dirty jokes

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So a kid goes up to his father and says..
"Dad I had sеx today!" Then the Dad says
"Good son good come sit down with me".
Then the kid says.. "I cant, my аss hurts".

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Never judge a book by it’s cover. I ordered a book online last week from Holland called ‘Creamy Jugs’ only to find it’s a book about 18th century cattle farming equipment.

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"Daddy, do butterflies have really small penises?"
Parenting books didn't prepare me for that and I am NOT Googling butterfly diскs.

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How do all those drugs enter into our prisons they are smuggled in by some asshole

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Nixon, Carter, Kennedy are on a boat. The boat's going down. Carter says, 'Women and children first.' Nixon says, 'Sсrеw them.' Kennedy says, 'Do you think we have time?'

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Spell:
"Racecar" backwards
Spell:
"Dogfoodlid" backwards
*Hint: USE A PIECE PAPER

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At least сunтs are useful you're not.

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$27 million to find gаys in the army -- $27 million? Walk up to a guy, go, 'Clang, clang, clang,' -- if he goes, 'Went the trolley,' you found him. Save the money.

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I love creature comfort. That's why when I'm coming off a relationship, I like to shave my left leg. That way when I roll over at night, it feels like there's a woman in bed with me.

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I'm reaching my sеxuаl peak here, tonight. It's really kind of sad, though, because women reach it at 35 and men reach it at 18. It's really depressing because now I have to drive past high schools to find guys in their sеxuаl peak.

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A boy goes up to a girl during school and asked if she would like to go over his house after school and she said yes then the boy said that they would have to use code because I share a bunk bed with my little brother and he thinks we are making sandwiches so for harder u say tomato and for faster u say is cheese so they go to his house latter on add she says tomato tomato cheese cheese hen the little brother asked if they could stop making sandwitches because they are getting mayo all over him bed

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She calls me up in the middle of the night. She says to me, 'Tracy, I can't believe that I actually have a person inside of me.' I said, 'So do I. I'll call you back.'

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Pulled my groin the other day -- for about 20 minutes.

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Whats worse than finding a hole in your соndом?
Finding a соndом in your hole!

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Kids these days have got it so easy... when I was a kid, there wasn't any paedophiles about so we had to buy our own candy!

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Little Johnny walked in on his parents doing it. "What are you doing" he asked. The father quickly replied, "Oh, I'm playing cards. Your mother is my wild card."
"Oh, ok" Johnny replied. The next day, Johnny walks in to a room to find his father маsтurватing. He says,
"What are you doing".
"Oh playing cards again" the father replied. "But wheres your wild card" Johnny asked. His father looks at him seriously and says,
"Son, you don't need a wild card if you have a good hand"

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What’s the difference between Rolf Harris and an Israeli soldier?
When Rolf fuскs children he always takes them to McDonald’s first.

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I came up with what I thought was a good idea. I'm like, I'm gonna start jerking off in the shower. Genius, I figured, she'll never catch me in there. And it was working out pretty well, too, until they took away my gym membership.

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