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Dirty jokes

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What’s green and melts in your mouth?
A lереr’s c*ck.
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He goes, 'I'm afraid of homosexuals.' And I keep thinking, 'What are you afraid of? What are you afraid they're gonna do -- sneak in and redecorate the place?'
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If diскs were airplanes your mouth would be an airport.
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Let's have a who's better in bed contest. I'm hoping I'll be a sore loser.
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Teacher: Tim, if there are ten birds and a hunter shoots one, how many are left?
Tim: None, because they all flue away.
Teacher: Not what I meant, but I like the way you think.
Tim: I have a question.
Teacher: Yes?
Tim: There are three women at an ice cream shop. One is biting her cone, one is licking her cone, and one is suскing her cone. Which one do you think is married?
Teacher: The one suскing the cone?
Tim: No, the one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think.
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When women see me nакеd they often say I look like a Greek god. I think the gods name is Hermaphrodite.
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My wife is pregnant now, which is really great -- thank you. No, it's alright, but we've got to start saving up for the abortion. No, I'm kidding -- we have the money put away.
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A son is in his room and the mom comes in and says do you need to shower and he said yeah I need to shower and the Mom says you can shower with me if you don't look up or down as soon as the get in the shower the son looks up and asks the Mom what are those and the Mom answer and says those are headlights then he looks down and asked what's that she says it's the tunnel the next day the dad asked the son do you need to shower the son said yes and the dad said you can shower with me as long as you don't look down as soon as they get in the shower the son looks down and says what's that and the dad says that's a train that night he has a nightmare and asked his head parents if he could sleep with them and the say as long as you don't look under the covers once he gets in the bed the son looks under the covers and says "MOM TURN ON THE HEADLIGHTS THE TRAINS GOING IN THE TUNNEL"
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If маsтurватiоn is wrong, I don't want to be right.
KICKASS if your a guy and you маsтurвате.
LAME if your a girl who masturbates.
I want to see the difference between guys and girls!
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Please manipulate me digitally.
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Went to a premature egaculation meeting today but nobody was there. It turns out the meeting is actually tomorrow.
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What do Japanese people call their japseye?
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At night, when I'm dreaming and a nакеd woman approaches me in my dreams, I tell her I'm married. How sad is that? I can hear my subconscious yelling at me, 'Nail her! I set this all up for you, you idiот!'
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This is a guy who believes that God made everything, but he's got a sign that says, 'God Hates Stuff.' Why is God making stuff he hates, like, constantly? Is God off there really like, 'Oh boy, what the hеll am I doing here? Oh, why would I make another gаy guy? I hate these! This is terrible. Oh my gosh. I'm almighty!'?
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I have a роrnо movie where they try to make the woman have an оrgаsм in it. Oh my God, it's like 10 hours long.
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A guy goes to a whоrеhоusе and tells the madam he only wants to spend 5 bucks. The madam thinks for a bit, then says, “Betsy. She’s down the hall, last door on the left.”
The guy walks down, sees Betsy - she’s not the best looking, but she would do. He puts it in and it’s the worst feeling he’s ever had on his diск - like sandpaper and teeth. He pulls out and tells her. “Um. something’s wrong, can you do something about that?” Betsy crinkles her face, then says, “Why of course! But it will run you another five bucks.” She pockets the fiver and goes to the bathroom and is back in no time.
The guy puts it back in and now, it’s the complete opposite: it’s the best feeling he’s ever had, and finishes in a flash. Panting, he asks her, “oh my god… that felt amazing… what did you do??” Betsy smiles, and says, “for the extra five bucks, I pick the scabs
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One day a littil boy took a shower with his dad he told the littil boy not to look dowen but the boy did and asked 'wats that'? his dad replied its a snake. the next day the boy took as shower with his mom and she told him not to look up or dowen but the boy did and asked 'whats that'? she sayd head lights and a bush. One day the littil boy walked in on them having sеx and sayd "mom turn on your head lights theres a snake in your bush!"
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Little Girl: Mom what's this *she pulled down her pants*
Mom: That's your garage, don't let boys put their car into your garage
She nods and hops off
Next door
Little Boy: Dad whats this? *he pulls down his pants*
Dad: That's your car, you need to put that into a girls garage
He nods and hops off
Little girl walks in with her hands covered with blood
Mom: WHAT HAPPENED!?
Little Girl: The little boy from next door tried to put his car into my garage so I pulled its wheels off
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