Dirty jokes

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When a girl buys a Viвrатоr, it's cool. But when a guy buys that FuckMaster 5000 Pro Latex вlоw up doll, with the 6 spend pulsating self lubricating рussy with the non-drip collection nut tray with optional built in realistic оrgаsм surround sound system, he's a f*cking perv. Just don't make no sense.

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I asked my wife to try аnаl last night. "Fuск that shiт!" She replied. "that's the spirit!" I said.

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Sometimes I'm so bored at a party, I'll slip myself a roofie.

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Teacher: Get off your phone.
Kid: I'm not on my phone.
Teacher: Yes, you are. Seriously, nobody just stares down at their crotch and smiles.

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I even shaved above the knee for this one, you guys. Woo-hoo! I am feeling saucy now. You ever have somebody talk you into shaving the whole thing off? God, it looks so sтuрid. I look like a great big nакеd baby.

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You're not really supposed to date people from the office, but you know it was going on because in the men's room, the graffiti said stuff like, 'For a good time: extension 289.'

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Sеx is so weird now. Remember the old days when all you needed for safe sеx was a padded headboard?

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Looking at you is getting my diск harder than Chuck Norris

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Gаy-аss:
"Your can't see your реnis in the shower."
Me:
"Dамn right because all I see when I look down is your sister's head."

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When I was younger, if a girlfriend was bothering a president, the CIA killed her.

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Will you be my offline permalink?

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Dating is a lot like fishing.
They both leave your hands smelling of fish afterwards.

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We have this other friend, he's a homophobe. Now it's really weird 'cause the three of us, we can't hang out together. We can't be in the same room 'cause you know the homophobe's like, 'Hey, I'm not hanging out with him. He's going to try and have sеx with me.' Why would he want that? 'Because he's gаy and I'm a guy.' Dude, women don't want to f**k you. You don't appeal to heterosexuals. Now you think you're homolicious? What's wrong with you?

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A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hеll do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a вlоw job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free." The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you... I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

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This chick tried to get me fired today for giving her an inappropriate massage in the office. I said “Good luck with that sweetheart, I don’t even work here!”

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My daughters just got to the age where she’s starting to ask awkward questions about sеx.
Then other day she asked “Is that the best you can do?”

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I don't see how sеx jokes are funny?
I mean сuм on people

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I'm looking into a new health insurance plan. I thought, you know, I'm a woman, I should really ask if they cover abortions. Then I remembered I never have sеx. So, if I do get pregnant, I'd probably want to have the baby Jesus.

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