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Dirty jokes

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My girlfriend just sent me a Facebook message saying:
“helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative”
Does anybody know what ‘ternative’ means?
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Mum, I'm already 14, can't I finally get a вrа?
-
NO Timothy!
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I have a fantasy, to sleep with 2 women... in the same year.
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You close the door and shut the lights
So the feeling comes in right
You close you eyes and feel the lips
As they start to suск the tip
In a moment you'll hear a moan
That's when you realize it's not your own
You just don't know who it is
Is it your girlfriend?
No it can't be
You ask
Who is it?
Until you feel those pursing lips.
Through the darkness you can see
The outline of those curving hips
You just can't wait anymore
So you pull the lever to turn on the lights
You turn around
Oh shiт its Just Bieber
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If this gets 999 kickasses, I will jеrк off in class.
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Boy:
- Puts head down-
Girl: What wrong?
Boy: You made me not want to eat booty
Ever again.
Girl: How?
Boy: You farted in my mouth
And it tasted like orange рее smells
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There once was a farmer with 3 daughters. All three of his daughters were going on a date all on the same night ,so, with the farmer being protective of his daughters, he decided to meet their dates at the front door with a shotgun. The first boy showed up and said "Hi, My names Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to see a show. Is she ready to go?" The farmer aproved and sent them on their way. Then the second boy arrived and he said "Hi, My names Eddy, I'm here for betty. We're going to go eat spaghetti. Is she ready?" The farmer aproved and sent them on their way. Then the third boy arrived and her said "Hi my names Chuck-" And the farmer shot him.
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Diскs are long
Dicks are hard
Lets get drunк And go to the bar
Have some fun
In our bed at last
Don't over do it
Or I'm gonna blast.
Shove it in Take it out.
Holy shiт...
That's what I'm talking about.
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Little red riding hood was going to grandmas house. Little reds moms said,
"Watch out for the big bad wolf, because he'll pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red раnтiеs, and rаре your little red socks off". Little red pulls out a shotgun and says,
"Its ok mom I've got it". Liyyle red goes into the woods and finds the big bad wolf. He says," come here little girl so I can pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red раnтiеs, and rаре your little red socks off. Little red pulls out the shot gun and says," fuск you, im gonna pull up my little red dress, pull down my little red раnтiеs and your gonna eat me like in the real atory".
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Asda have reported a 300% increase in cucumber sales since the book ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ was released.
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My niece is a sophomore at West Point. She's already had five majors -- and three captains and two lieutenants. She's a very slutty young woman.
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Guys, I'll tell you what -- if you do the exercise, it will increase your оrgаsм. I do 4,200 a day. You can laugh if you'd like, but I can knock the lamp off the night table.
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You have to pretend like you want to use a соndом. I like to say something fun when I bring it up, but honest. I'll be like, 'You're going to want to wear this. I've had a busy month.'
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Man: My f*ckbuddy says I'm gаy. I don't know what his problem is.
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Aw, is your engine overheating?
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I just met my girlfriend almost 3 months ago on the eve of New Years 2016 at a party and we just hit it off and have been together a couple since that night. The crazy thing is her favorite thing to eat is a burrito and my favorite is a taco, it's a blessing and curse at the same time because we have been eating each others out every night because i love her soft taco and she loves my beef burrito
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Girls have a very specific type. You ask guys, like, 'Hey, what do you look for in a woman?' It's like, 'Uh -- my реnis?'
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Those days I only knew six words if you count мuтhеr fuскеr as two.
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