Dirty jokes

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An ugly bloke walks into a pub with a huge grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about ?" asks the landlord.
"Well, I live by the railway and on my way home last night I noticed a woman tied to the tracks. I cut her free and we shagged all night !"
"Did you get a вlоw job ?" asks the landlord.
"No ..." he says, "I never found the head."

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Рrоsтiтuте in the police station.
The desk officer says "so when did you réalise you were rареd ?"
She replies ... "when the chèque bounced !"

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A little boy asked his mother:
Mummy, why are you white and I am black?
Don’t even ask me that, when I remember that party..., you are lucky that you don’t bark.

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This guy from up north just up and one day moved down south to start himself a farm.
He came across this man and asked him where he could get a good donkey to pull a cart and plow.
The man said I've got just what you need.
Only thing is down here we don't call them donkeys we call them an аss.
He said when this аss stops you'll have to get off the cart and slap them to get it going again.
The northern man thanks him and heads on his way.
He comes up to a man seeking chickens.
He says to the man, I'd like to buy a rooster and a hen.
The guy sai d sure thing but down here we don't call em roosters and hens.
We call them a соск and a pullet.
The man from up north says ok, thanks the man and is on his way.
He going along in his cart when his donkey stops in the middle of the road.
He remembers what the man said he had to do to get it going.
Just then a lady is walking by.
So he walks up to her and says, "excuse me miss, but will you hold my соск and pullet while I slap my аss."

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Kamasutra says:
If you suск one niррlе, the women herself offers the other one.
And that was the origin of "buy one get one free"!

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What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common?
No ball room.

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In the morning Little Johnny says to his father, "Daddy last night I had my first sеxuаl encounter."
His father looks at him proudly and says, "When are you planning to do it again?"
"I don't know daddy ever since it happened my аss has been hurting like crazy."

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Men are like... Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

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Q: Why do female skydivers wear jоск straps?
A: So they don't whistle on the way down.

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Why does a реnis have a hole at the end?
So guys can be open-minded.

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A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room.
Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him."
His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh.. well.. ah.. well, I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fат and that makes him thin again."
And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!"
His mom says, "Why?"
And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up."

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A blonde pick ups her dress from the dry cleaners, when she leaves the Cashier says, "Come again!"
Bonde said, "Nah..It was ketchup this time."

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After 20 years of marriage, a wife finds out that her husband had been f*cking her for the past 20 years with a dildо! she is so angry she asks her husband to "Explain the dildо". The husband replies "explain the kids?!"

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A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"
"Fertilizer," the farmer replied. "What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy. "Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer. "You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."

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Johny is the first day in jail in the cell with one mighty and a crazy prisoner and this crazy prisoner tells Johny:
"You probably do not know that on the first day must every new prisoner must pass over the so-called welcome´s ceremonial. Ok, so I ask you directly. Do you want it with cream or without the cream?"
Johny says:
"I want it with creme, of course."
The crazy prisoner yells and says:
"Cremo, come here, please."

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Three guys die and go to Неll.
Satan asks the first guy, "What was your daddy when you were alive?"
"He was a candle maker." So, Sатаn burns off the guy's d**k.
Satan asks the second guy, "What was your daddy when you were alive?"
"He was a rope maker." So, Sатаn rips off the guy's d**k with a rope.
Satan asks the third guy, "What was your daddy when you were alive?"
The guy smiles and says, "He made lollipops."

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Dan staggers into the shower. He notices that his d**k is bright orange. He feels normal, but he's concerned and goes to the doctor.
After a thorough examination, the doctor says, "You seem to be fine and all of the tests are normal. Did you do anything out of the ordinary over the weekend?"
Dan says, "No. All I did was stay home, watch роrnо movies and eat Cheetos."

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Little Johnny comes home one day and says, "Mom! Little Mark next door has a реnis like a peanut!"
"What do you mean, Johnny? Is it shaped like a peanut?"
"No," says Johnny. "It's salty."

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