Dirty jokes

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Baby, if you were an iPhone 6, I would tap you all day!

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Did you hear Cher is joining the spice girls?
They're going to call her Old Spice.

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Whats the difference between Paris Hilton and a bowling ball?
You can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball!

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"Hey, I have a magic dildо for sale," he says.
"What? There's no such thing," she replied.
"No seriously, if you don't believe me try it out in the bathroom. All you have to say is 'magic dildо my рussy.'"
A bit skeptical she agrees and takes the dildо to the bathroom.
A few minutes later she comes out.
"Wow, that was great!" She says.
She ends up buying the dildо and leaves the store.
On the drive home she starts to feel a little frisky and figures why not try out the magic dildо.
Well she's really enjoying herself.
The car is swerving and she rolls through a red.
She ends up getting pulled over by a cop.
After she rolls down her window she tells him the whole story.
She explains about the magic dildо and the shop.
The cop says, "Magic dildо my аss."

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Hey guys.
Bet your female friend that she can't use both of her elbows to touch her belly button.
Thank me later.

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When Viаgrа first came out my wife and I decided to give it a go to see what all the fuss was about.
I popped the pill and waited the 15 minutes and then it was on for young and old.
We timed the performance to the minute and it all finally subsided at 3 hours and 17 minutes.
I asked the missus what she thought and she simply stated that she couldn't understand what all the hype was about for an extra 17 minutes...

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What does Barbie use as a тамроn?
A Tic-Tac.

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Whats the similarity between getting a bl*wjob from an 80 year old and walking the tightrope ?
In both cases you really dont want to look down !

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If you think your life is bad, how would you like to be an egg?
You get laid once in life, you only get eatten once in life, It takes 4 min to get hard, but only 2 min. to get soft, you share your box with 11 other guys, but worst of all the only chick who ever sat on your face was your mother.
Pass this to someone who needs a good lay, sorry I mean day.

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What do you call a blonde at a golf course?
The 19th hole.

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Why did the lumber truck stop?
To let the lumber jack off.

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Girls are like biscuits - they are tough until they get wet.

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How is parsley like рuвiс hair?
You push it aside to eat, and sometimes it gets stuck between your teeth after meals.

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A man walks into his doctor's office and whines, "Doc, you've got to help me; I've got a strawberry stuck up my аss."
The doctor pulls out his prescription pad and says, "I've got cream for that!"

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What do mopeds and fат ladies have in common?
They're both a great ride until someone sees you on one.

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Q: What's 72?
A: 69 with three people watching.

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Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find an entire field full of carrots.
They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight. They sсrеw themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, the rabbits get to talking.
"I'm gonna go back to that field of carrots," says one.
"I'm gonna go back to those cute little rabbits," says the second.
"I'm going back to the lab," says the third. "I'm dying for a cigarette."

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Q: How is sеx like bridge?
A:If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand!

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