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Got a valentines card from my Grandma earlier today which was sweet but unnecessary, we haven’t had sеx in years.

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Every time I have sеx with a woman, I'm convinced she's trying to distract me while someone steals my car. And then you realize, 'Oh nobody wants a Suzuki Samurai that bad. It's my lucky day. I should be enjoying my sеx.'

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I was going to make a gаy sеx joke. Вuтт fuск it.

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Fuск me if I'm wrong, but I think you wanna have sеx with me.

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I was at the mall wearing a skirt and a guy says to me, "Dam nice legs."
I responded with, "You want me to slap you with my 3rd one?"

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One day a man lied down on a nudе beach. Little Johnny comes up to the man, points to his реnis and asks what it was. "Oh, that's my birdie." said the man. "Oh." little Johnny replies. The man fell asleep. When the man woke up, he found himself in the hospital. He looked around to find little Johnny at his bedside. "Hey kid, what happened?", asked the man. "Oh," says little Johnny. "I tried to pet your birdie. It tried to spit water at me, so I cracked it's eggs and burnt it's nest."

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A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad

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Wanna play rаре?
No!
That's the spirit!

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Me: Hey bro how many legs do 6 chickens have?
Friend: uh... 12
Me: Alright how many eyes to 8 chickens have?
Friend: 16...
Me: Alrighty how many teeth does a cat have?
Friend: Umm I dont know.
Me: Funny how you know about more about соскs than рussy!

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Michael J Fox has a small one. Arnold Schwarzenegger has a long one. Nuns dont have one. The pope has one but doesn't use it. Your dad has one but you mom uses it as well.
What is it? It's a last name of course.

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Whats the good thing about f**king twenty seven year olds?
Theres twenty of them.

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After being out to sea for over a year, a sailor finally got a chance to go onto dry land. The first thing he wanted to do was visit a local whоrе house. When he arrived at one he asked the guy behind the counter if they had any whоrеs available, but the man told the sailor that had no whоrеs and all they had was a chicken. The sailor thought about it and figured what the hеll it had been ages since his last lay. He took the chicken up to a room where he tried for an hour to fuск the chicken but no matter how hard he tried he couldn't do it. After giving up the sailor left and would try again tomorrow. The next day he return only to find they had no whоrеs available again but they did have lеsвiаn show that he could watch in the back with other men. As he stood there watching he turned to man next to him and said," Man this is great."
To which the man replied,"Yeah but you should have been here yesterday some guy tried to fuск a chicken."

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I'm not calling you a sluт or anything, I'm just saying your private parts are more like public parts.

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Me and my pregnant girlfriend went to the doctor for her ultrasound today. She was surprised when she saw a tiny реnis.
Then the doctor said, "Sir, that is very inappropriate, please pull your pants up."

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When a guy calls you hot, he's looking at your body. When a guy calls you pretty, he's looking at your face. When a guy calls you beautiful he's looking at you heart.
All three guys still wanna fuск you though.

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What did one leg say to the other leg?
Look, shorty's growin' a beard.

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Why do women close their eyes during sеx?
They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

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Are you a parking ticket? You got fine written all over you.

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