Dirty jokes

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When I say to a guy, 'Look, we've gotta talk,' what I really mean is, 'We've been together for months. I've now twisted my personality into an emotional pretzel to accommodate your every need. I want to know your idea of commitment versus my idea of commitment. Are we getting married? Are we having kids? Are we going to couples counseling? Where's this relationship going? I want to know.' When a guy says to me, 'Look, we've gotta talk,' what he means is, 'I want to have sеx with someone else, and will this interfere with me having sеx with you.'

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Detective 1: It seems that the victim died of blunt force trauma.
Detective 2: My favorite kind of sеx.

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Non-Alcoholic вееr is like going down on your cousin...
Sure it tastes the same, but it just ain't right!

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Did you know that your body is made 70% of water? And now I'm thirsty.

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Women reach their sеxuаl peak after 35 years. Men reach theirs after about four minutes.

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I saw the commercial for hеrреs medication. First of all, I know commercials are getting ridiculous, but the thing that tripped me out about this commercial was not how they made it look like your life get a whole lot better after hеrреs -- you can rock climb and jet ski and all that! -- they make it look like life begins with hеrреs.

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Waking up to a surprise bj is great but not when you’re in prison.

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Some people prefer their women young and tender; I prefer mine ten and younger.

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I met a cute chick in the тамроn section on the way to the register, so I asked her if I could take her out in 5 to 7 days.

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Take me to your leader! I hope he lives in your pants.

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Women have an easier time purchasing condoms than men because women are bold. Women aren't bothered by it. Women will walk into that drug store, 'Yeah, let me see, give me the lambskin lubricated one that's ribbed with feathers, two feet long and vibrates. That's the one I want, and I think I've got a coupon.'

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I went to the doctor and I found out that I can't have children. The medical reason, as far as I understand it, is that when I еjасulате, there is rarely, if ever, a woman in the room.

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If I'm ever in the military, I want to be in an all gаy platoon... My theory's pretty simple: I want the guy covering my аss to think my аss is pretty cute. I want them fighting for more than just country here, you know what I'm saying?

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Q. What’s the difference between toilet paper and news paper?
A. Toilet paper is brown and smells bad.

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Normally, I don't go for the piercings and tattoos, but then she said to me that she got them because she's addicted to the pain. Yeah, which -- I was kind of intimidated, but kind of turned on at the same time. 'Cause y'all don't know, but I've been out of a relationship for three months now. I'm ready to have that just-out-of-prison sеx.

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I didn't mean to get my cummerbund on you.

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"Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
I have a penis
And I will stick it in you.
Harder and harder you will moan.
Faster and faster it will grow.
White water comes in.
Baby comes out."
- Said your father.

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Do you wanna see a magic trick? Watch me pull something out of my pants!

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