Dirty jokes

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No matter who's president, it costs us money whatever they like. [Reagan] likes jelly beans. Carter liked peanuts; the price of peanuts went up. When Kennedy was president, you couldn't get a hоокеr for under $75.

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The national debt isn't the only thing that's rising.

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I'm staying with a guy I went to high school with, in a one bedroom, which is oh so private. We got signals on the door just in case one of us has a magazine in the room.

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They blame everything on El Nino. When I can't get it up, I go, 'Baby, it's El Nino. It ain't me, baby. I'm a man -- it's El Nino, see? -- it's a warm front in the ocean, that's why this ain't working.'

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There is a little girl on a bike and a cop
On a horse. The cop goes up to the
Little girl and says " did you get that
Bike from Santa?" Little girl says yes.
The cop says next year ask Santa for
Some reflectors and the cop gave her
A $5 fine. Then the girl replies hey cop
Did Santa get you that horse for
Christmas. He says yes. She says tell
Santa next year put the diск on the
Bottom of the horse not the top. LOL!!
My dad is trying to get 500 jаскаss!!!!

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I've been a dad for awhile. I've noticed that certain things don't change about a child, no matter what stage of development they're in. When they're really small, just learning how to walk, you always have to tell them the same thing over and over again:
'Watch out. Don't touch that. Don't put that in your mouth.' Now my daughter is almost a teenager. Are we all on the same page on that? Because I really don't want to have to draw a diagram for that one.

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Billy woke up one morning and headed downstairs for breakfast. His dad was already there, reading the newspaper. Billy sat down and was about to eat until he thought about something. "Dad, why do we never see Mom in the morning," he inquired. His father lowered the newspaper to reveal a face of pure excitement, answering, "Look under the table, son."

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Apparantly some butch lеsвiаns have now started taking viаgrа to become harder!!

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My computer's got Miley Virus. It has stopped twerking.

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I'd like to be in orbit below your equator.

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Just trimmed my bush… I love gardening.

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The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.
The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.
The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course.
The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.
The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note:
“Dear friends,
We didn't mind the bed slats
Being sawed.
The electric shock was only a minor setback. But by god, i'm going to кill the guy who put novacaine in the vaseline!”

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A guy is walking around an auction and sees a mirror going for $25,000 and finds a lady and asked why it was priced so high? She said the mirror will do whatever you ask it to. So the guy buys the mirror and takes it home, his wife is upset with how much money he just spent on the mirror. When he explains what the mirror does she's like okay let's try it out. Mirror mirror on the wall I want 34 dd and boom she grew large воовs! Then the man walks up and says mirror mirror on the wall I want a diск that touches the ground, boom his legs fell off!

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Got thrown out a Sтriр club last night for using monopoly money. I don’t see why I should pay real money to see fake воовs.

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I was walking past a newsstand today and I saw the National Enquirer, and the headline said, 'Rosie O'Donnell Breaks the Final Barrier and Tells her Kids She's a Lеsвiаn.' And that headline fascinated me because I never knew Rosie O'Donnell's kids were blind and deaf.

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Two prostitutes were on the side of the highway with a sign on there car that read " two hookers looking for diск" . A passing police officer see's the two prostitutes standing by the car with sign . He pulls up to them get out and tells them he is going to right them both a ticket solicitation of prostitution. A few minutes later a car full of nuns drives by them on the highway with a sign on there car that says "Jesus Saves" , the prostitutes tell the cop to go arrest the nuns because they have a sign on there car. The cop replies , well their sign pertains to religion and not prostituion. He gives them the tickets and go's on his way. The next day the cop is driving down the highway and see's the same two hookers with a sign on there car. He pulls up thinking he has an easy arrest till he reads the sign on the car, " two fallen angels seeking Peter ".

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There's no relationship here, Travis. I tell you what I want: you go get it; I give you some money; then, you go away -- like a food hоокеr.

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A boy and his mom go to a nudе beach then they see men with big diскs. He asks his mom why they have big diскs and she said the вiggеr they are the dumber they are. Then they see women with big воовs and he asks why are their воовs so big and the mom responds the вiggеr they are the dumber they are. So the boy sees his dad and goes back to his mom and tells her "I saw daddy talking to a very dumb girl and he was getting dumber by the second. KICKASS

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