Dirty jokes

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I never thought he'd come home with this outfit with the blinking cups. Oh, I was never more proud. Electric blinking cups.... I was afraid to sweat. He says, 'Honey, you seem tense.' I said, 'Well unplug me.'

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Getting a hand job from a chick is like watching the special Olympics. You keep cheering them on, but deep down inside you know you can do better.

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My wife suggested some role playing and wanted me to pretend I was the cable guy. I charged her an installation fee and came when it wasn't convenient.

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Guy:
" Wanna here a joke about my реnis?"
Girl:
"Ok"
Guy:Gross you f*cking pervert why do you want to hear a joke about my реnis?"
Girl:
"Cause It will be to short XD

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Cockroaches are gross, though. It doesn't even sound like a bug; it sounds like the world's worst STD. It's like, 'You hear about Cindy? She's got сrавs.'
'That's nothing. Bob -- cockroaches.'

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One day there was this little girl watching TV and she sees 2 girls kissing. She ask her mom "Mommy why are those two girls kissing?" The mother then Replied "Oh their just making a cake. The little girls says "Oh Okay". The very next day the little girl is watching tV and she see two black guys kissing. She asked her mother "Mommy why are those two guys kissing?" The mother Replied again "Oh their just making a cake" The little girl says again "Oh Okay". The very next morning the mother was coming down the stairs and she sees her daughter with a smile on her face and her mother ask "Why such a smile?" The little girl replies "I seen you and daddy make a cake last night" The mother looks at her daughter in shocks and says "Oh really how's that?" The little girl Replied "I liск the frosting off the couch"
Kick аss for gross awesome funny
Ignore if didn't get the joke

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Five worst things to shout during sеx.
1. “Die !!!”
2. “Prematurus Ejacularus”
3. “Police… help!”
4. “Sieg heil mein Führer!”
5. “I love you mum.”

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Anant went to his friend's house unannounced, and he wanted to spend the night.
His friend was sorry that he could not offer him a whole room, so he said,
"You can sleep on the floor in the living room, or you can sleep in the room with Baby."
Anant said that he would prefer the floor. The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met a gorgeous young blonde. "Hi," he said,
"Who are you?"
"I'm Baby, and who are you?"
"I'm sтuрid," he said.

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A doggy is not just for Christmas. It’s a great position throughout the year.

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A man cares about his safety more than women. Why? Because he always carries a gun! (U known what I mean)

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What holding the Incredible Hulk back?
My zipper

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Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Bitch give me some head, And I'll fuск the shiт out of you!

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Q:whats worst than getting a реnis drawn on your face
A:knowing it was traced

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Wife: Are you jerking off in the bathtub?
Me: I swear, hun, I was washing it and it just went off.

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Me: HOLY SНIТ I THINK I MIGHT BE PREGNANT!!!
Girlfriend: ... You're a dude dumbass
Me: i know but i didnt get my period this month!

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A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

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I saw my sister take a whole cucumber up to her room.
I was shocked. The fат сunт is actually eating something healthy for once.

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They should give this guy a test, you know, just to see how well the cure is going. Make him sit somewhere in a room with a guy in a lab coat:
'OK, would you say that salmon, mocha and champagne are foods or colors?'

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