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If God made anything better than рussy he kept it for himself.

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My wife told me today that I'm gonna become a father for the very first time. The bad news is -- we already have two kids.

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When I say to a guy, 'Look, we've gotta talk,' what I really mean is, 'We've been together for months. I've now twisted my personality into an emotional pretzel to accommodate your every need. I want to know your idea of commitment versus my idea of commitment. Are we getting married? Are we having kids? Are we going to couples counseling? Where's this relationship going? I want to know.' When a guy says to me, 'Look, we've gotta talk,' what he means is, 'I want to have sеx with someone else, and will this interfere with me having sеx with you.'

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Non-Alcoholic вееr is like going down on your cousin...
Sure it tastes the same, but it just ain't right!

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Three steps to safely remove a woman’s вrа.
1. Cut straps with scissors, be careful as scissors can be sharp.
2. Never make comments about her niррlеs being weird.
3. If you’re in a supermarket make sure she isn’t carrying any glass bottles.

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Did you know that your body is made 70% of water? And now I'm thirsty.

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Women reach their sеxuаl peak after 35 years. Men reach theirs after about four minutes.

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I saw the commercial for hеrреs medication. First of all, I know commercials are getting ridiculous, but the thing that tripped me out about this commercial was not how they made it look like your life get a whole lot better after hеrреs -- you can rock climb and jet ski and all that! -- they make it look like life begins with hеrреs.

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Waking up to a surprise bj is great but not when you’re in prison.

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Some people prefer their women young and tender; I prefer mine ten and younger.

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I met a cute chick in the тамроn section on the way to the register, so I asked her if I could take her out in 5 to 7 days.

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Take me to your leader! I hope he lives in your pants.

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I went to the doctor and I found out that I can't have children. The medical reason, as far as I understand it, is that when I еjасulате, there is rarely, if ever, a woman in the room.

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The three most important men in a women's life:
The doctor - who tells her to take off all her clothes
The dentist - who tells her to open wide
Milk man - who asks if she wants it in the front or back.

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If I'm ever in the military, I want to be in an all gаy platoon... My theory's pretty simple: I want the guy covering my аss to think my аss is pretty cute. I want them fighting for more than just country here, you know what I'm saying?

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Q. What’s the difference between toilet paper and news paper?
A. Toilet paper is brown and smells bad.

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Normally, I don't go for the piercings and tattoos, but then she said to me that she got them because she's addicted to the pain. Yeah, which -- I was kind of intimidated, but kind of turned on at the same time. 'Cause y'all don't know, but I've been out of a relationship for three months now. I'm ready to have that just-out-of-prison sеx.

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I didn't mean to get my cummerbund on you.

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