Dirty jokes

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A man gets his wallet and walks to the fornt door, his wife sees him and calls,
"Baby where are you going?" he replies,
"A sтriр club with my mates"
She replies
"But baby I can sтriр for you for free"
He replies
"Ok then" the husband goes on his phone and begins texting.
Wife says,
"So are you telling them you aren't coming?"
He shakes his head and replies
"No I am bringing them over here"

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My son -- not really born for a romantic or on purpose kind of reasons, just ran out of condoms. Cute story. Can't wait til that comes up when he's older, you know. 'Daddy, tell me about when I was born.'
'Well, son, it all started when Walgreens wouldn't take a check.'

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I'll try to keep the air emissions to a minimum.

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Daddy, can I get in the shower with you?
Sure but don't look down.
Daddy what's that?
My Ferrari?
Mommy, can I get in the shower with you?
Sure but don't look down.
Mommy what's that?
My garage?
Mommy, daddy, can I get in bed with you?
Sure but don't look under the covers.
Daddy, why is your Ferrari in mommy's garage?
....

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Please cooperate otherwise it gonna look like rаре.

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Q. What’s the difference between a bl0w job and a pizza?
A. When you order a pizza you have the option to pay by credit card.

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I have a lot of RAM in me. A lot.

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An old man went to the doctor and said "I just f*cked the 3 most beautiful girls in the world and they all gave me a good вlоwjов and for return I ate their рussy". the doctor said "what was their names?" the old man then replied with "Emily, Ashley and Marissa". the doctor said "well you better fuск me to because you just f*cked my mom my wife and my daughter".

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Have you ever had a one night stand that went horribly awry and just turned into this ugly two year relationship?

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Boyfriend: (after sеx) That felt SO GOOD.
Girlfriend: I know right, I really did love your diск too!
Boyfriend: Aw, is it long enough for you?
Girlfriend: Nah, it's just my Mum always told me to enjoy the little things in life!

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The only way to have safe sеx is to abstain -- from drinking.

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How are nail polish and раnтiеs the same?
They both come off with a little alcohol.

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I wish everyone would stop criticising Jimmy Saville, when I was eight he fixed it for me to milk a соw, blindfolded.

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My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-вiтсh.

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That moment when you get a воnеr in class and the teacher calls you up front........."good boy miranda! Calm down girl!"

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To celebrate the new year last night I decided to organize a тhrееsоме…
Unfortunately I was the only person who showed up but I still had a great time.

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I've never been to a moon like yours.

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My building company just got a really big order from my local brothel. They want me to go over there and paper over the cracks.

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