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Dirty jokes

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I've never been to a moon like yours.
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My building company just got a really big order from my local brothel. They want me to go over there and paper over the cracks.
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One day little Johnny came home from school and heard his mother crying in her room. He slowly opened the door and saw her rubbing herself and saying "Ohhhh I need a man", over and over. He closes the door and runs to his room. The next day when little Johnny gets home from school he is greeted by a strange man. Little Johhny immediately runs to his room takes off his pants and starts rubbing himself saying "Ohhhh I need a bike"
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I would like to be able to watch the evening news with my family and not have to explain what оrаl sеx means to my wife.
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Once a black guy went to his interview, the interviewer supposedly wanted to reject him because he was black.
So he told him, "If you will answer my 3 questions then the job is yours." the guy guy says "Okay."
Interviewer firstly showed him a picture of a bike and asked,
"What is this?", the guy replied "Cycle.", the interviewer said "No! It's Bicycle."
Then he showed him a picture of a car and asked,
"What is this?", the guy replied "Car.", the interviewer said "No! It's motorcar."
Then lastly he showed a picture of a jet and asked,
"What is this?", the guy replied "Plane.", the interviewer mocked "No! It's Air-plane!!"
"You failed to answer the questions my friend, sorry you are rejected."
Before going out of the office the guy asked the interviewer, "Sir, may I ask you a question?", the interviewed agreed.
The guy drew picture of a сunт on paper and asked "What is this?", the interviewer said "Сunт", the guy said "WRONG! It's YOUR MOTHER'S СUNТ!"
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My maths teacher asked me a question today at school, “What comes after 69?”
Apparently ‘ mouthwash ‘ isn’t the correct answer.
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My current girlfriend doesn't like it when I hang out with my ex-girlfriend. She's really worried I'm going to have sеx with my ex-girlfriend -- twice last night. I'm just kidding. I do my best to not cheat on both my girlfriends.
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Let me give you one word of advice: never go to a sеx shop when you're hоrny. You have no idea what you're going to end up with -- make a list; stick to the list.
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One day, a mother and her daughter were walking through the park and came across two teens having sеx. The daughter asks the mom, "Mommy, what are they doing?" After thinking for a moment, the mom replies "They are making cakes, sweetie."
The next day, the mother and her daughter are walking through the zoo and they see two monkeys having sеx, and the daughter asks again, "Mommy, what are they doing?" and the mother replies again, "They are making cakes, sweetie."
A few days later, the daughter walks into the kitchen and asks her mom, "Mommy? Were you and daddy making cakes in the living room last night?" and the mother replies hesitantly, "erm... yes hunny, we were." The daughter says,
"Oh, okay, because i licked the icing off the couch!"
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I would rather cuddle then have sеx. If you're good with grammar, you'll get it.
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Two hot women, a blond and a brunette, went into a x-rated movie theater.
Ten minutes into the movie, the blond tells her friend, "I can't believe this, the guy next to me is jerking off! What should I do?"
The brunette keeps staring at the movie screen and says,
"Just ignore him."
The blond says,
"I can't. He's using my hand."
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If you jingle my bells, I can promise you a white christmas.
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Annoying guy: *Grabs a wotsit*
Annoying guy: This resembles your colour
Asian guy: It resembles you as well
Annoying guy: I'm not an Asian you prick
Asian guy: I wasn't talking about your colour, I was talking about your dick
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I got a massage today, which was pretty cool, you know. Except they gave me a man, which was a little weird, you know what I mean? At one point I was like, 'Is it normal to get an еrестiоn?' He goes, 'Sure.' I said, 'Well, can you get it out of my face?'
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Lady walks into a Doctor's clinic
Doctor: May I num your вrеаsтs?
Woman: Yes you may.
Doctor: Okay, Num Num Num Num Num Num.
(This joke is derived from a Robin Williams Movie, R I P !! )
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Bully:
"Sees a fат kid eating pork"
Bully: Hey fат kid! You are so filled with wet pork. Fат Kid: You now why your mother became fат last night?
Bully: No?
Fat Kid: Last night, I was filling your mother until full.
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A boy goes to live with his grandparents. It seems the boy's grandma is always making food for the boy's grandpa. One morning the boy walks in on his grandpa enjoying a breakfast his grandmother made. The boy asks, "Can I have some of your bacon grandpa?"
The grandpa then asks the boy, "Can your diск reach your аss yet?" The boy says,
"No."
"Well there's your answer," he tells the boy.
Around lunch the boy asks for more food, and gets the same response. Then yet again at dinner, only to still get asked,
"Is your diск long enough to reach your аss yet?" And the boy still replies,
"No," and he knows he is not getting any food from his grandpa. Right before bed, the boys grandma bakes him some cookies. The boy's grandpa walks in and asks, "Hey those look like some mighty fine cookies boy. Can I have one?" The boy then gets a shiт eating grin on his face and asks, "Is your diск long enough to reach your аss yet?" The boy's grandpa replies,
"Why yes it is," with a sense of pride. The boy tells his grandpa, "Good, go fuск yourself, grandma made these cookies for me.
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My boyfriend and I had a deal: If this gets more than 30 kickass, he will be aloud to have sеx with me.
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