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Internet Jokes

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I sneeze and all the snot got everywhere. Someone says: You're disgusting! I say back: your internet history is disgusting. (Laughter)
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You Might be an Internet Hobo if:
You spend more time online trying to find a way of making money than actually making money.
You have more than one degree from an online university.
Your little black book is full of usernames and passwords.
Your space is My-space.
You think a vacation is Google’s earth.
Your 15 minutes of fame is on You-tube.
Road rage means a dial up connection.
You hear your kids say "the snail man's here".
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Yo mama is so fат China uses her to block the internet.
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Facebook is reportedly thinking of ways to incorporate health into their array of services.
Here’s how it’ll work: If you get a cut or a bruise or something, take a picture of it and post it.
If it gets more than 100 likes, you’re cured.
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С жена ми се открихме в сайт за запознанства. Три години след като се оженихме. Доста конфузно.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website, 3 years after we got married… That was awkward.
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It’s incredible how many scams are on the internet these days but for only $19.99 I can send video about how to avoid them. Please email money to [email protected]/* */
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Man walks into a shrink`s office..
Shrink:
“I know exactly why you are here. You suffer from an addiction to internet роrn, and you маsтurвате constantly.”
Patient:
“That`s amazing”! “How can you tell all that without even asking me one question?”
Shrink:
“I saw the wedding ring on your finger.”
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Tech experts say Facebook is planning to launch a service that lets users send each other money using the site’s messaging feature.
Said moms, “Oh, so NOW you’re happy I’m on Facebook?”
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News 2016: ‘Broadband in India speeding up’
News 2020: ‘India win Gold in Arm Wrestling’
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My room + internet connection + music + food - homework = perfect day.
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I was in a роrnо cinema the other night. I hadn’t been there five minutes when some guy started yelling at me:
“Oh, you’re a beast, you’re despicable!”
So I said to him:
“Listen mate, we’re all here together, you’re just as despicable as I am.” But then other people started chipping in, shouting stuff like “How do you sleep at night?” and “You’re a total disgrace.”
Next thing I knew the manager was standing right beside me, throwing in his two pence worth as well. I remember what he said to the letter. He said:
“In 25 years I’ve never seen anything like this.”
So I said:
“I know I’m not much to look at but that’s a bit harsh, isn’t it?” But he wasn’t listening, he was just waving his arms saying he was going to “throw me out” and that security was “on its way.”
At that point I just thought “Oh, I don’t need this”.
So I stood up and said:
“Fuск it, come on kids we’re leaving.”
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People who create multiple Facebook accounts so they can like their own status are probably the same people who spice up their sеx life by маsтurватing with a different hand sometimes so they feel like it’s a strangers hand.
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I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their Internet connection. The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password. “Start with a capital S, then 123,” she shouted back.
We tried S123 several times, but it didn’t work. So we called the wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, “I really don’t know what’s so difficult about typing Start123.”
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I went to buy some Viаgrа online but my internet connection was down and it took me two days to get it up.
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The 12-Step Program for Internet Addicts
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I use to.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash the dog, get the kids off to school, all before even thinking of the Internet.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet.
7) I will read a book... If I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear what is happening on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on my computer.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed some time.... And the Internet will always be there tomorrow!
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If time is money…. Facebook owes me like…27 billion dollars…
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Here is an exchange between a mother and son in a Section 8 household. (There are never any father - son exchanges in a Section 8 household because the fathers have long since disappeared.)
…
“Momma, what be ‘Socialism’?”
…
“Well, son, Socialism is when white folks go to work every day so we can get all our benefits, like free cell phones for each family member, rent subsidy, food stamps, EMC, free healthcare, utility subsidy, free computers and Internet connection, free food, free clothing, free gifts at Christmas, and on and on.
…
That be Socialism”.
…
“But Mama, don’t the white people get upset about that?”
…
“Sure they do son; that be called Racism!”
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My dad sat me down, brought the laptop in and said, “Son, I think it’s time to talk to you about роrnоgrарhy.”
“What about it?” I replied.
“How the hеll can I get past the filters without your mum knowing?”
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