An old Jewish man gets on the subway in New York and sees a priest. He notices the white collar, and decides to ask what it’s about.
"Why do you wear your collar backwards?" The old Jewish man asks.
The Priest, being polite, responds, "Well, Sir, because I’m a father."
"I am a father too, but I wear my collar normal."
"Yes," the Priest begins, "but I am father of many."
The old Jewish man shakes his head. "I have 8 children, and so many grandchildren I don’t know most their names, and still my collar isn’t backwards."
The priest, aggitated, slams his fist in his palm "Sir! I am the father of hundreds!"
The elderly Jewish man, beweildered, stands to get off the subway, and leans over to the priest "Mister, maybe you should start wearing your pants backwards."
Application For Permission To Date My Daughter.
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NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor. NAME: ___________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH: ____________HEIGHT: _______________ WEIGHT: __________________ IQ: _______________INCOME TAX NUMBER: ________________ DRIVERS LICENSE: _______________BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES: ________________________________________HOME ADDRESS: ____________________ CITY: ___________ POSTCODE: _____Do you have parents? Yes ___No_____Is one male and the other female Yes ___No_____If No, explain: _______________________________________________________Number of years they have been married: ________________________________If less than your age, explain: ___________________________________________ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do you own or have access to a van? Yes __No__B. A truck with oversized tyres? Yes __No__C. A waterbed? Yes __No__D. A vehicle with a mattress in the back? Yes __No__E. A tattoo? Yes __No__F. Do you have an earring, nose ring,pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a bellybutton ring? Yes __No__(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNINGESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you? ________________REFERENCES SECTION:Church you attend: __________________________________________________How often you attend: ________________________________________________When would be the best time to interview your:Father? _______________________Mother? ______________________Priest or Pastor? _______________SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely all answers are confidential. A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be: _________________
B: If I were beaten, the last воnе I would want broken is my: ________________
C: A woman's place is in the: ___________________________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is: ______________
E. What do you want to be IF you grow up? ________________________________
F: When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is: _____________
G: What is the current going rate of a hotel room? _________________________I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, INDIGENOUS AUSTRALIAN BULL ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE and RED HOT POKERS.
- _________________________________________________________________Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, моrоn!)_______________________________ ____________________________Mother's Signature Father's SignaturePastor/Priest/Rabbi State or Federal Government Representative_______________________________ (Their stamp goes here)Notary PublicThank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sеxuаl. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (You might watch your back)To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating. Daddy's Rules for DatingYour dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy):Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and beep you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world sеx without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can кill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sеx, I am the barrier, and I will кill you. Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is:
'early.'Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool, places where there is darkness, places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with strong romantic or sеxuаl themes are to be avoided; movies that feature chain saws are okay. Cricket games are okay... Old folks homes are better. Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dim witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice раddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
A drunк stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests.
He runs up to them and says, ”I’m Jesus Сhrisт.”
The first priest says, ”No, son, I’m Jesus Сhrisт.”
So the drunк says it to the second priest.
The second priest replies, ”No, son, I’m Jesus Сhrisт.”
The drunк says, ”Look, I can prove it.” and walks back into the bar with the priests.
The bartender takes on look at the drunк and exclaims, ”Jesus Сhrisт, you’re here again?”
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Des Moines, Iowa:
A repentant burglar returned his loot to its owners, along with a note explaining why:
"My priest said I done a wrong."
More than $200, a pair of sunglasses and some golf ваlls were found Monday morning on the steps of Potthoff Foods Incorporated, a meat wholesaler.
"He took my sunglasses, but I didn't know he took them until I got them back this morning," sales representative Phil Barber said. "You know, I don't think something like this happens that often. It's sort of neat. The guy did wrong, but he tried to make it right."
The break-in at Potthoff's happened late Friday or early Saturday. The thief pried open a door and rummaged through some desks.
Potthoff officials said they're not going to depend on the honesty of thieves' nature in the future.
"We are adding an extra security system today," Barber said.
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible! Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, "Please, Mary, put down that dамn gun..."