Jokes about Priests

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Nothing is more exciting than when the priest says "now you may go in peace"

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An old man bursts into a priest's study and says, " I've got to tell you this. I'm 50 years old and for the thirty years I've been married I never cheated on my wife. Then this sweet thing moved in next door and since then.....wow!"
"How long has it been since your last Confession ?" asks the priest.
"I've never been to Confession. I'm Jewish"
"Then why are you telling me this?"
"I'm telling everyone!"

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Catholic Terminology
AMEN The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE Holy Smoke!
JESUITS An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH The original "Jaws" story.
JUSTICE When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELEISON The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
MAGI The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. Holiday travel has always been rough.
PEW A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
PROCESSION The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
USHERS The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

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Friend: How many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean: 16.
Friend: Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4worse.

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A gentleman sits next to a priest on an airplane. He sees the priest doing a crossword puzzle.
Time passes and the priest says, "Excuse me, sir, but do you know a four letter word that describes a woman and ends in 'u-n-t'?"
The gentleman thinks about this and finally says, "I believe the word you're looking for is 'aunt.'"
The priest replies, "Oh, you're right. That fits, too. Would you happen to have an eraser?"

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A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher and a rabbi fish in a lake. The preacher has to use the bathroom, so he walks across the water, does his business and walks back. Then the rabbi has to go, so he walks across the water, does his business and walks back.
The Catholic has to go, but when he gets out he falls into the water. He swims back, gets back into the boat, and says, "God, let me walk across the water." He tries again and falls into the water, swims back, tries again and falls again.
The Baptist leans over to the rabbi and asks, "Do you think we should tell him where the stepping stones are?"

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Shortly after having her ninth baby, an Irish Catholic woman runs into her parish priest.
He congratulates her on the new offspring and says, "Nine children is certainly a full house."
"Well," she replies, "I don't know how I get pregnant so often. It must be something in the air."
"Yes," says the priest, "your legs."

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Joe enters the confessional and tells the priest that he has committed adultery.
"Oh, no," said the priest, thinking of the most promiscuous women in town. "Was it with Marie Brown?"
"I'd rather not say who it was."
"Was it with Betty Smith?"
"I'd rather not say," says Joe. So the priest gives him absolution and Joe leaves. While leaving the church, Joe's friend asks if he received absolution.
"Yes, and two very good leads!"

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A little boy with two black eyes walks into church one Sunday. The priest notices him and is very concerned.
"What happened, my child?"
"I was singing in the choir, Father, and I noticed that the girl in front of me had a wеdgiе. So I pulled it out, and she punched me in the eye."
"Okay. But how did you get the other black eye?"
"Well, I thought I'd done something wrong. So I put her wеdgiе back."

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An old man enters a confessional and proudly exclaims, "Father, I have to tell you what happened to me last night. I'm 90 years old, and I made love to two 18-year-old women for eight hours!"
The stern priest replies, "That is a sin. I will have to give you a penance."
"Father, you can't give me a penance."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm Jewish."
The perplexed Father asks, "Then why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everyone!"

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A concerned girl asked the priest, "Father, is it a sin to have sеx before receiving communion?
He replied, "Only if you block the aisle."

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A young woman goes to church and confesses her sins to the priest.
"Oh, Father, last night my boyfriend made hot, passionate love to me seven times," she says.
The priest thinks about this long and hard and says, "Take seven lemons and squeeze the juice into a tall glass and drink it."
"Will this cleanse my soul of my sins?"
"No," the priest says, "but it'll wipe that smile off your face!"

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There was a church that had a веll that no one could ring.
One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. He went up into the tower and ran straight into the веll face-first. The веll tolled loud and clear. The priest gave him the job. One Sunday, the boy ran straight toward the веll with his face and missed, so he fell off the tower and died.
"Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boy's name? I don't know him, but his face rings a веll."

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A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near!
Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. "Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

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This priest was driving to his church when he saw two people bending over in the grass.
He decided to see why. He walked over to them and asked what they were doing. The man said they were homeless and grass was the only thing they could eat.
The priest said, ''You can eat over at the church.''
The woman said, ''We have nine children - will there be enough?''
''Oh yes, '' the priest replied, ''the grass is 2 1/2 inches taller over there.''

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A Rabbi and a Priest buy a car together and it's being stored at the Priest's house.
One day the Rabbi goes over to use the car and he sees him sprinkling water on it. The Rabbi asked, ''What are you doing?'' The Priest responded, ''I'm blessing the car.'' So the Rabbi said ''Okay, since we're doing that....'' and takes out a hacksaw and cuts two inches off the tail pipe.

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A priest wanted to convince a рrоsтiтuте to turn respectable. So he met with her one day and began slowly warming up to her.
"Oh, my child," he said, "your dress is most lovely."
"Thank you, Father," she replied.
The radio was playing and they danced a little as they talked.
"Oh, my child," said the priest, "your conversation is most lovely."
"Thank you, Father," said the рrоsтiтuте.
Finally, the priest sat her down and said, "Oh, my child, there is one thing I have against you." And the рrоsтiтuте said, "Yes, I know, Father. I felt it while we were dancing."

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Maria gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A few weeks later, she dies. At the funeral, the priest looks skyward.
"At least they're finally together."
"Excuse me, Father," says one of her sons, "but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"
"I mean her legs."

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