Twenty-one-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a test kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that
Did this to you? I want to know!”
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out of the car and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them, “Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation, but I’ll provide support.
If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?”
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him,
“Then you try again.”
Once Cleopatra called all the Great men of history in a single room- Lincoln, Lenin, Gandhi, Martin Luther King etc..,
Cleopatra: If a man in this room does not have a еrестiоn, when i put on my bikini, then i will take that man to my room and satisfy him.
*Cleopatra puts on bikini and everyone has an еrестiоn except Gandhi*
So Cleopatra takes Gandhi to her room, and takes off all her clothes, still Gandhi does not have an еrестiоn, angry, Cleopatra banishes Gandhi out of her room.
The next day.
Lincoln:How can you resist such temptation?
Gandhi:I can't
Martin Luther King: But what about yesterday?
Gandhi:Today i just realized that i wasn't wearing my glasses yesterday..
A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips.
Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon.
“It’s very brave of you to come out here,” says Matthew. “Please tell the audience what happened.”
“Well,” replies Simon, “about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn’t save my legs.”
“That’s terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?” asks Matthew.
“No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died. But they also said that his legs were fine and, with all the advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful.
“I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year.”
A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.
Kelly responds with:
“That’s an unbelievable story. So tonight, who are you going to be?”
“Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Half-uncle.”
A man was having problems with premature еjасulатiоn. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.
In response the doctor said, “When you feel the urge to еjасulате, try startling yourself”.
On the way home the man went to a sports store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he runs home to his wife. When he gets home he is surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed, already nакеd. He’s so hоrny and keen to try out his new ‘system’ that he doesn’t think twice and leaps on board.
After a few minutes ‘slap and tickle’, they find themselves in the ’69’ position. Sure enough, only moments later the man feels the sudden urge to come. Following doctor’s orders, he grabs the starter pistol off the bedside table and fires it.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, “How did it go?”
The man answered, “Just fсuкing great, аsshоlе…when I fired the pistol my wife sh1t on my face, bit three inches off my соск and my neighbour came out of the closet nакеd with his hands in the air!”