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It’s fuскing impossible to please women…….
…….. even at your wedding, you are not the best man

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Two businessmen in the centre of Perth were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop…As yet, the shop wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, “I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.”
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, “What are you selling here?”
One of the men replied sarcastically, “We’re selling аss-holes.”
Without skipping a beat, the old dear said,“Must be doing well… Only two left.”

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A man ended up in hospital today, covered in wood and hay, with a horse inside him.
His condition is described as stable.

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A man woke up in the morning deeply repentant after a bitter fight with his wife the previous night. He noticed with dismay the crate of вееr bottles that had caused the fight. He took it outside and started smashing the empty bottles one by one against a wall.
He smashed the first bottle swearing, "You are the reason I fight with my wife!"
He smashed the second bottle, "You are the reason I don't love my children!"
He smashed the third bottle, "You are the reason I don't have a decent job!"
When he took the fourth bottle, he realized that the bottle was still sealed and was full. He hesitated for only a moment and then said,
"You stand aside, I know you were not involved."
Men will be men.

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A man was explaining to a friend how he managed to get home the previous night.
" I was doing just fine until I turned into my driveway", he said.
"And then what happened?"
"Someone stepped on my hands!"

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A man in a bar visited the men's room, leaving his drink on the bar. On his return he found that someone had drunк it.
The next time he left a notice beside his drink. “I spat in this”.
On his return he found written underneath.
So did I.

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Man: Would you wear shoes if you didn’t have feet?
Woman: No of course not.
Man: Then why do you wear a вrа?

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Three men wait at the gates of heaven on Christmas Eve. They're told they have to present a Christmas gift to get in. The first man checks his pockets and finds pine needles from his family's tree. He's allowed in. The second hands over a bow and some ribbon. He's allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of раnтiеs. "How do those represent Christmas?" St. Peter asks him.
"Oh," the man replies,
"They're Carol's."

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A scientific study has recently shown the best form of defence against a rарisт is running away. Apparently men with pants around their ankles can’t run very fast.

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A man said to his doctor, "Doc, please don't ever give me artificial respiration!"
"Why not?" the Doctor asked.
The man replied, "If you can't give me the real thing, FORGET IT!"

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A 10-year-old child was having a conversation with their grandmother while eating breakfast...
Child: "Nanna, I'm a chubby old man."
Grandmother: "What did you say?"
Child: "I'm a chubby old man."
Grandmother: "Now why would you say something like that?"
Child: "Well, everybody says I look just like my daddy."

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My grandad was talking to me about women the other day he said “never ever go for a good looking women” so naturally is asked him “why not” he said:
“Well my boy, if you have a good looking women every man will keep looking at her and one day one of them will turn her head and she will fсuк off and leave you”
I replied “yes, but so could an ugly women”
To which he said “yeah, but who fсuкing cares!”

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They say a dog is a man’s best friend.
But I don’t even have enemies that would stare directly into my eyes whilst taking a shiт on my carpet.

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A man had a nose ring fitted into his nose, a friend asked,
"How much did you pay for that?"
"I paid through the nose!” he replied

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Me: Say "I am a man" after everything I say.
Friend: Alright.
Me: You broke up with your girlfriend.
Friend: I am a man.
Me: You decided to get drunк.
Friend: I am a man.
Me: You went to the bar.
Friend: I am a man.
Me: You found a hot chick there.
Friend: I am a man.
Me: You invited her to your house and she said yes.
Friend: I am a man.
Me: You both came into your room and had sеx.
Friend: I am a man.
Me: Next morning you wake up.
Friend: I am a man.
Me: And she says...
Friend: I am a man.

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I just moved. I had my first experience with a man with a van. I forgot to ask him how much it was gonna cost, so he shows up and I'm like, 'Oh my God, how much is this gonna cost?' He's like, 'I don't know. What's it worth to you?' I'm like, 'What?' He's like, 'Yeah, let's negotiate.' So I was like, 'Alright, $50 bucks.' And he goes, '$60 and a date.' And I was like, '$70.'

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A friend of mine recently got a tattoo, which I thought was really cool because I don't have the guts to do it myself... And I asked her where she got it. And she told me she got it on her vаginа. And I said, 'Why? Why on God's green earth would you do such a thing?' And she said, 'Well, men find it sеxy.' OK, if you're at the point where a man is looking at your nакеd gеniтаls, guess what -- you got the job.

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As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a long flight came by and asked me where the lift was.
"Go down the hill," I told them, "out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block, and you'll see it on your right."
Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up.
"They're from England," he said. "I think they're looking for the elevator."

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