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A retiree said to his 80 year old friend, “It it true you’re getting married?”
“Sure is.”
“Have I met her?”
“I don't think so.”
“Is she attractive?”
“Won't win any beauty contests.”
“Can she cook?”
“Can't even boil an egg.”
“Is she rich?”
“Rich? Heck, she's so poor she can't even pay attention.”
“She must be great in the sack then?”
“I haven't actually found out.”
“My God, man, why are you marrying her?”
“She can still drive.”

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A guy was going to Texas and when he went on the train he said,
"Ohh my god Texas chairs are really big."
He went to a bar he asked for a bear and when the bar tender gave him the mug of bear the guy said,
"Wooww Texas mugs are really big."
Later he asked the bar tender were is the bathroom and the bar tender said,
"Strait on your right."
But the guy went on his left and when he entered the room he slipped and feel in the swimming pool and said,
"Don't flush don't flush!"

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A burglary was recently committed at West Ham's ground and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen.
The police are looking for a man with a claret & blue carpet.

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Did you hear about the new ‘morning after’ pill for men?
It changes their blood type.

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What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack.

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A blonde working in the coffin industry was thinking of various ways to improve her business.
She thought perhaps a good way to do it would be to emulate the success of the fashion store across the street which had done very well with it's new "Buy 1, Get 1 Free" deal.
Soon, a man walks in.
"I would like a coffin for my father. But these coffins are very expensive!"
"Well, sir, you'll be happy to know we have a 'Buy 1, Get 1 Free' deal!"
The customer left.

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What’s the difference between a black and a white bull?
The white bull does:
“Mooo”.
The black bull does:
“Hey man, Mooo, man!”

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Man to friend: ‘When did you first realise your wife had stopped loving you?’
Friend: ‘When she pushed me through the window, and wrote for an ambulance.’

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A man goes to the doctor suffering from premature еjасulатiоn.
"Can you do anything to help me, Doc?" said the man.
"No, but I can give you the address of a woman who has a short attention span" replied the doctor.

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A rather drunк man was walking along the street one day.
He was staggering quite a bit and made two nuns that were approaching him, very nervous.
The two nuns split apart and one walked to the man's left and one walked to the man's right.
After the nuns were past the man, he turned around and said,
"Now how the hеll did she do that?"

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Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half time.

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Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
Because most men are sтuрid, but few are blind.

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What's the quickest way to lose 190 pounds of ugly fат?
Divorce him.

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Bigamy is having one husband too many.
Some say monogamy is the same.

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What do you call a woman that works like a man??
Lazy.

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What did the black man do first time when they saw a ship?
They stick they’re head in the water to see if it has wheels!

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A blonde in a bar is hunched over her martini spearing at the olive with a cocktail stick.
A dozen times the olive eludes her until a man sitting next to her grabs the stick and skewers it for her.
‘That’s the way to do it,’ he says.
‘Big deal,’ replies the blonde.
‘You’d never have got it unless I’d tired it out first.’

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A man walks into a bar has a few drinks and asks what his tab was.
The bartender replies that it is twenty dollars plus tip.
The guy says,
"I'll bet you my tab double or nothing that I can bite my eye."
The bartender accepts the bet, and the guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it.
He has a few more drinks and asks for his bill again.
The bartender reports that his bill now is thirty dollars plus tip.
He bets the bartender he can bite his other eye.
The bartender accepts knowing the man can't possibly have two glass eyes.
The guy then proceeds by taking out his false teeth and biting his other eye.

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