Men-Women jokes

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A mid 20's bachelor walks into a grocery store to pick up the necessities (a case of вееr, toilet paper, a tv guide and some frozen dinners).
He goes to the checkout and the young lady cashier looks at him and says, ''Wow, you must be single''. The man smiles and says ''You can tell I'm single just from the stuff that I'm buying?" "No," remarked the lady, "you're fuскing ugly."

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Q: How many flies does it take to sсrеw in a light bulb?
A: Two, but I don't know how they got in there.

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Little Johnny has to write a story about someone in his family who does something amazing. The next day, he returns and tells the class that his father eats lightbulbs.
"How do you know that?" asks his teacher.
"I heard him say it. He and Mom were in the bedroom and he said, 'I'll only eat that thing if you turn out the light.'"

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With his hand in the сrаск of his madam.
It filled him with mirth
'Cause on this whole earth,
There were only two ваlls and he had 'em.

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Man to wife: "Boy, you are getting old, look at all the wrinkles you are getting!"
Wife: ''They aren't wrinkles, they're laugh lines!''
Man: ''Nothing is that freakin' funny!!'''

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Why do men walk so fast? They've got three legs!
Why do women talk so much? They've got two mouths!

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An old lady approaches a police station and observes three women in hand cuffs waiting to go in.
The old lady asks one of the women, "Why are you in line?"
The woman looks at the other prostitutes, winks and says, "We're waiting in line for a free lollipop."
So the old lady gets in line for her free lollipop. The chief of police comes out to take the girls in and notices the old lady in line. Shocked, he says to the old lady, "'You should be ashamed of yourself!"
"Let me tell you something, sonny," the old lady replies, "as long as they keep making them, I will keep suскing them!"

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Q: What is the diference between like and love?
A: When a person likes you they spit and when a person loves you they swallow.

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A man tells his friend, "My wife is an angel."
His friend replies, "Lucky you. Mine's still alive."

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Q: What do you get if you cross LSD with birth control?
A: A trip without the kids!

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Q: Why can't men get mad соw disease?
A: They're all pigs.

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A blonde was telling a brunette that her computer broke.
So the brunette said she would check the blonde's e-mail for her. The blonde said, ''Cool! E-mail me and tell me what I got.''

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Q: Why does it take one million sреrм to fertilize one egg?
A: They don't stop to ask for directions

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Q: What can a bird do that a man can't?
A: Whistle through his рескеr.

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One day a group of husbands and wives went to a scientific program.
The doctor there was showing them brains from real peopleand telling how expensive it would be to buy one. He said it was five million dollars for a female brain and ten million dollars for a male brain. The men snickered, thinking they knew why. One of the women said, ''Well, why is that, sir?'' The doctor answered, "The men's brains cost more, for they have never been used."

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How many men does it take to mop a floor?
None. It's a woman's job.

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There once was a man from Cass.
Whose ваlls were made out of brass.
When they tinkled together,
They played "Stormy Weather"
And lightning shot out of his аss.

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Q: What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
A: Through his chest.

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