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Money jokes

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Stores accept Monopoly money from Chuck Norris.
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A man goes into a bank and asks the cashier to check his balance, so the cashier pushes him over.
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Using a credit card is a convenient way to spend money you wish you had.
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I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
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What’s the difference between a рigеоn and a тrамр?
The рigеоn can put a deposit on a Porsche.
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‘If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you.
This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.’ Mark Twain
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After any salary rise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
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We have our water metered and it’s very expensive.
The other day the house was on fire and we didn’t know whether it would be cheaper to let it burn.
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All I ask for is the opportunity to prove that money doesn’t buy happiness... All most people want is a chance to prove money can’t make them happy.
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A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"
"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."
"What are the three tests?" asks the man"Gotta pay first."So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar."OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila - the WHOLE thing at once - and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an оrgаsм in her life. You gotta make things right for her."
"Well, I know I've paid my $10 bucks," says the man, "but I'm not an idiот. No wonder you've collected so much money - that's impossible!"The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve."Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs.He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside - barking, yelping and growling, then silence.Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body."NOW," he says, "wherez at ol' lady with the sore tooth?"
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Two hunters were stalking through the forest when one said to the other that he has to take a dump. His friend replies, "Well, go in the bushes."
"What should I use to wipe my аss?" he asks.
"Use a dollar bill," his friend says.
A few minutes later, the hunter steps out of the bushes with s**t all over his hands.
"What happened?" asked his friend.
He replied, "I didn't have a dollar bill, so I used four quarters."
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How do you start a Jewish parade?
Throw a penny down main street
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A man is talking to the tax inspector who’s come to review his records.
The inspector says, ‘As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to pay them with a smile.’
‘Thank God for that,’ replies the man.
‘I thought you were going to ask for cash.’
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I’m proud to say I made my money the old-fashioned way.
My dad left it to me in his will.
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Three boys were walking along the beach one day when they see a cave.
The first boy goes in and is looking at a banknote on a big rock when a ghostly voice calls out "
I am the ghost of Auntie Abel and this five dollars stays on the table!"
The second boy goes in and is reaching for the money when the same thing happens again.
The third boy goes in ,sees the five dollars and cries out,"I am the ghost of David Crockett and this five dollars goes in my pocket!"
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That bull you sold me is a lazy good-for-nothing.
I told you he was a вuм steer.
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Diск’s family were very poor – when the wolf came to the door, they ate it.
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William: May I have some money for the man crying outside ?
Mum: What crying man ?
William: The one that's crying, 'Ice cream! Ice Cream !'
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