Money jokes

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I’ve just lost the money for my wife’s epilepsy prescription in the bookies.
She’ll have a fit when she finds out.

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How does a mexican and black guy make money without selling сrаск? THE WORLD MAY NEVER KNOW...........

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I can remember the days when I could go out with a few quid in my pocket, buy 20 cigs, have half a dozen pints and still have money left for fish and сhiрs on the way home.
But, that all stopped when I got fсuкing married.

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My ex-wife goes bowling with the money I send her each month.
I guess that's why they call it alley money.

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How a man withdraws cash from the ATM:
1) Park the car
2) Go to ATM
3) Insert card
4) Enter PIN
5) Take money
6) Drive away.
- -----
How a woman withdraws cash from the ATM:
1) Park the car
2) Check makeup
3) Turn off engine
4) Check makeup
5) Go to ATM
6) Hunt for ATM card in the purse
7) Insert card
Hit cancel
9) Hunt in purse for chit with PIN written on it
10) Insert card
11) Enter PIN
12) Take cash
13) Go to car
14) Check makeup
15) Start car
16) Stop car
17) Run back to ATM
18) Take ATM card
19) Back 2 car
20) Check makeup
21) Start car
22) Check makeup
23) Drive for a mile
24)Release HAND BRAKE

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I got my first full-time job, but I could have sworn I was making more money in college while working for my parents as their daughter.

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Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

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Two women are standing in line to pay their bill at a restaurant. As soon as it's their turn, they hand the young waitress a credit card.
After swiping the card, she loudly called out to her manager, "Mr. Andrews, what do I do if it says 'rejected'?"
As the women's faces reddened and customers turned to look, Mr. Andrews walked out from the kitchen.
"Well," he answered, wiping his hands, "the first thing you DON'T do is shout it out loud enough to embarrass the customer, who might have been thinking of leaving you a tip."

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Ya know, Starbucks keeps popping up all over the place, and they don't have a slogan yet. So I thought of one for them. Let's see if you guys like it:
'It's really expensive, but the line is long.'

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No matter how much money you give a homeless person for a cup of tea, you never get that tea.

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My sister was the smart one. She took the dentures, stuck them under her pillow -- got a motorbike the next day.

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Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.

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A young woman wasn't feeling well and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician.
"I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that."
The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced. "I'm back!"
Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said,
"Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."

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There's a robbery at the cereal factory. The robber takes all of the money and then puts a gun to the manager's head. The robber asks "Any last requests?" and the manager says "LIFE." (Get it the cereal, LIFE)

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I’m sick of Christmas already. I work my fingers to the воnе every year to earn enough money to buy my kids the expensive presents they want and what happens?
That fат fuскеr with the beard gets all the credit….
Still, it’s my own sтuрid fault for marrying her.

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I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
"This is the 21st century," she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.".
I can tell you this... That fly never knew what hit him!

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Congress is going to start paying their own parking tickets. What noble public servants. Imagine the commitment of these people, paying their own parking tickets. Hey fellas, you want to impress us? Pay our parking tickets.

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No matter who's president, it costs us money whatever they like. [Reagan] likes jelly beans. Carter liked peanuts; the price of peanuts went up. When Kennedy was president, you couldn't get a hоокеr for under $75.

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