Money jokes

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I can remember the days when I could go out with a few quid in my pocket, buy 20 cigs, have half a dozen pints and still have money left for fish and сhiрs on the way home.
But, that all stopped when I got fсuкing married.

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It's great to finally be 16 ... jobs ... cars ... and blowing your money on Girlfriends.

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My ex-wife goes bowling with the money I send her each month.
I guess that's why they call it alley money.

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I got my first full-time job, but I could have sworn I was making more money in college while working for my parents as their daughter.

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Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

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Two women are standing in line to pay their bill at a restaurant. As soon as it's their turn, they hand the young waitress a credit card.
After swiping the card, she loudly called out to her manager, "Mr. Andrews, what do I do if it says 'rejected'?"
As the women's faces reddened and customers turned to look, Mr. Andrews walked out from the kitchen.
"Well," he answered, wiping his hands, "the first thing you DON'T do is shout it out loud enough to embarrass the customer, who might have been thinking of leaving you a tip."

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Ya know, Starbucks keeps popping up all over the place, and they don't have a slogan yet. So I thought of one for them. Let's see if you guys like it:
'It's really expensive, but the line is long.'

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No matter how much money you give a homeless person for a cup of tea, you never get that tea.

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My sister was the smart one. She took the dentures, stuck them under her pillow -- got a motorbike the next day.

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Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.

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If there is one thing I hate to see, is people wasting their money on pointless things that make no difference
Like when fат girls get nice haircuts.

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A young woman wasn't feeling well and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician.
"I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that."
The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced. "I'm back!"
Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said,
"Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."

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I’m sick of Christmas already. I work my fingers to the воnе every year to earn enough money to buy my kids the expensive presents they want and what happens?
That fат fuскеr with the beard gets all the credit….
Still, it’s my own sтuрid fault for marrying her.

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I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
"This is the 21st century," she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.".
I can tell you this... That fly never knew what hit him!

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Congress is going to start paying their own parking tickets. What noble public servants. Imagine the commitment of these people, paying their own parking tickets. Hey fellas, you want to impress us? Pay our parking tickets.

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No matter who's president, it costs us money whatever they like. [Reagan] likes jelly beans. Carter liked peanuts; the price of peanuts went up. When Kennedy was president, you couldn't get a hоокеr for under $75.

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Who the hеll is ‘Larry’??? Well Larry is the guy who gets home late one night and,
Linda , his wife says,’where the hеll have u been?’
Larry replies, ‘I was out getting a tattoo.’
Linda frowning: ‘A tattoo? what kind of tattoo did u get?’
Larry: ‘I got a Hundred dollar bill on my private’.
Linda shaking her head in disgust: ‘what the hеll are you thinking? why on earth woud an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his private?’
Larry: ‘Well one, I like to watch my money grow. Two- once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, u can stay right here at home and вlоw a hundred bucks anytime you want.’

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Last night I left my dentures under my pillow by accident. The Tooth Fairy must have come by because she left me a pile of Monopoly money with a note saying, "Nice try."

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