Money jokes

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Inflation: Being broke with a lot of money in your pocket.

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A woman's favorite position is CEO.

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You know your credit messed up when you get turned down for a pre-paid phone.

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Calhoun is a crafty black lawyer and his client, Leroy, was caught - In flagrante delicto by two policemen - shаgging a 17-year-old girl.
To save the county time and money, the prosecuting attorney agrees to bargain down to a lesser charge of “Indecent Exposure.”
The case takes an unusual turn when Calhoun addresses the judge… “Yo honnuh, there be a problem here. Muh client iz charged with ‘Indecent Exposure,’ but if mah client had been ‘in decent,’ how could he have been exposed?”
“Case dismissed,” gulped the judge.

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When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sicklyfather died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said as he walked up to her, “but in just a week or two my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.”
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.
Three days later, she became his stepmother.

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I had a chance to go to Tokyo a couple months ago... but all my friends were bugging me. They're like, 'What're you gonna buy? What're you gonna buy?' I don't know -- candy? It's all I can afford.

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I’ve just lost the money for my wife’s epilepsy prescription in the bookies.
She’ll have a fit when she finds out.

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How does a mexican and black guy make money without selling сrаск? THE WORLD MAY NEVER KNOW...........

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I can remember the days when I could go out with a few quid in my pocket, buy 20 cigs, have half a dozen pints and still have money left for fish and сhiрs on the way home.
But, that all stopped when I got fсuкing married.

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It's great to finally be 16 ... jobs ... cars ... and blowing your money on Girlfriends.

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My ex-wife goes bowling with the money I send her each month.
I guess that's why they call it alley money.

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How a man withdraws cash from the ATM:
1) Park the car
2) Go to ATM
3) Insert card
4) Enter PIN
5) Take money
6) Drive away.
- -----
How a woman withdraws cash from the ATM:
1) Park the car
2) Check makeup
3) Turn off engine
4) Check makeup
5) Go to ATM
6) Hunt for ATM card in the purse
7) Insert card
Hit cancel
9) Hunt in purse for chit with PIN written on it
10) Insert card
11) Enter PIN
12) Take cash
13) Go to car
14) Check makeup
15) Start car
16) Stop car
17) Run back to ATM
18) Take ATM card
19) Back 2 car
20) Check makeup
21) Start car
22) Check makeup
23) Drive for a mile
24)Release HAND BRAKE

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Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

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Two women are standing in line to pay their bill at a restaurant. As soon as it's their turn, they hand the young waitress a credit card.
After swiping the card, she loudly called out to her manager, "Mr. Andrews, what do I do if it says 'rejected'?"
As the women's faces reddened and customers turned to look, Mr. Andrews walked out from the kitchen.
"Well," he answered, wiping his hands, "the first thing you DON'T do is shout it out loud enough to embarrass the customer, who might have been thinking of leaving you a tip."

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Ya know, Starbucks keeps popping up all over the place, and they don't have a slogan yet. So I thought of one for them. Let's see if you guys like it:
'It's really expensive, but the line is long.'

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No matter how much money you give a homeless person for a cup of tea, you never get that tea.

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My sister was the smart one. She took the dentures, stuck them under her pillow -- got a motorbike the next day.

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Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.

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