Money jokes

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Why is it hard to believe Elsa is the queen of Frozen?
Because every time somebody with a small child walks past her products in a store their assets start leaking.

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Recently had a great money saving idea. Instead of paying for teeth whitening I’ve decided to get a sun-tan instead.

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I’ve been going through some real money troubles. Realizing this, my Gran gave me her pearl earrings.
“They’ve been passed down through the generations,” she said, “but needs must.”
Great. Now I’m broke and I look super gаy as well.

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Me: *makes a flat joke*
Friend: Wow! Want a prize for that?
Me: Yeah, why not, I can just refund it and get the money you paid for it with
Friend: How 'bout I just punch you in the face? You can't refund that!
Me: No, I'll just return that.

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An Antartian is standing in front of a pop machine repeatedly putting in money and taking out the sodas.
Finally, the person waiting in line behind her gets impatient and asks, "Ma'am, what are you doing?"
The Antartian replies,
"Duh, I'm winning!"

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A thief broke into my house last night... He started searching for money...
So I woke up and searched with him.

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I have decided to RETIRE and live off my savings...
Though I'm not sure what I will use the second week...

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I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.

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I assume the only reason we have them is so that white people feel relevant in sports. Because other than that the only thing the winter Olympics show me is which country has more rich white kids. What's it cost to go skiing -- $900 a day? I can't believe that's not more popular in the inner cities.

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I asked my psychiatrist why is it every time I eat sardines, I dream about being attacked by sharks. He answered, “It’s all about guilt and self payback.”
Considering how much money it cost for one hour of his time, he must dream about his watch turning all green and wrinkled.

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The guy, in his cups, was lamenting to the bartender that he met his wife in a house of prostitution. “You shouldn’t be so unhappy about it,” the barkeep said, “it’s actually real romantic.”
“Oh, yeah?” responded the man. “Well, I thought she was home taking care of the kids - and she thought I was bowling. “And to clinch it all, the madam wouldn’t give me my money back and refused to give me another girl!”

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Just kissing a girl on a night out is like buying a scratchcard and getting your money back…. Ye you’re getting something but it’s not what you want.

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A neighbor asked his friend, who was celebrating 50 years of marriage, what the secret was to a long and happy marriage?
His friend replied, "When we were first married, we vowed to go out twice a week no matter how little money we had and we have done so for 50 years."
"Twice a week, you say?"
"Yeah. She goes out on Tuesday and I go out on Friday."

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The name of this song is 'Things We Want to Know.' The first verse is things men want to know about women; second verse is things women want to know about men. Here are the guys:
'Why do you think you're so pretty? And why do you wear the раnтy hose? And why do you drink so much and don't have no money? And why do you mess with my stereo?' Here are the ladies:
'Why are all your friends so sтuрid? And why don't you wipe the toilet seat? Why is your fantasy to be with two women -- and you can't handle me?'

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I knew it was a waste of money buying a top of the range sеx-doll for my twelve year old son, one with fully functioning аnus and mouth.
He seemed more interested in playing with the box.

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Not very many dyкеs dropping by Rosie O’Donnell’s house lately. No amount of money can retain them. …
…
Rosie has simply grown too big for her вiтсhеs…

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Friend: Is that one of thoose ugly paintings that are worth a lot of money?
Other Friend: No it's called a Mirror
Friend: ..................

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Nothing says' I love my dog' quite like spending more money on his haircut than you do your own.

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