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Two adventurers John and Jack were hunting for gold in the desert.
After roaming all day long under the hot sun, they set up their tent and fell asleep.
Some hours later, John woke up his friend.
"Jack, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Jack looked up and replied, "I can see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" asked John.
Jack thought for a minute and said.
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
After a moment of silence, John spoke.
"It tells two things to me. First is that... you are an idiот."
Jack looked at John, surprised. "Why do you say so?" he said.
"Because it has still not occurred to you that someone has stolen our tent." replied John.
Deer Hunter. A sportsman, and father of 3 sons, was anxious to share his latest кill with his family for Sunday dinner.
He didn't want his sons to refuse tasting the delicious venison, so he sat the boys down to dinner without telling them what the meat was they were about to eat.
"Oh come on Dad," said the oldest son. "What is this meat?"
"Just taste it," said the father, "You will love it."
The boys eyed each other nervously and put a piece of the meat on their forks.
"Give us a little hint.", pleaded the second son.
"Only if you take a bite.", said the father.
As each boy took a cautious bite of the venison, the father continued, "Let me think, your mother calls me this from time to time."
The oldest boy shouted, "Spit it out boys, it's аsshоlе!"
A hunter was out with his dog Old Faithful when he sees a duck and shoots it down.
Old Faithful runs and brings his back the duck.
As the hunter reaches for the duck a forest ranger comes by snatches the duck out of Old Faithfuls mouth puts his finger in its аss pulls it out smells his finger and says
"This here is a Wisconsin duck, do you have a license to shoot Wisconsin ducks?"
The hunter reaches into his wallet and pulls out a license for a Wisconsin duck.
The officer says "thank you, sir, have a great day and leaves."
The hunter then proceeds with Old Faithful when he sees another duck, takes as I'm and shoots it down.
Old Faithful runs grab the duck and come back.
The hunters about to grab the duck when the same forest ranger comes back, grabs the duck out of the dog's mouth take his finger puts it up the ducks аss, pulls it out smells his finger and says
"This is an Ohio duck, have you got a license to shoot Ohio ducks, sir?"
The hunter reaches into his wallet and pulls out a license for an Ohio duck.
The officer looks at him and says, "I'm sorry sir, just doing my job, have a nice day," and leaves.
Well, this kept happening over and over.
Every time the hunter shot a duck and Old Faithful would bring it back, the Same forest ranger would be there to question the hunter if he had a license for all the different ducks he shot, and in his bewilderment seeing the hunter having all these different licenses for each duck.
Well on the last duck the hunter shot and Old Faithful bringing it back, the Same forest ranger comes and triumphantly snatches the duck out of the dogs mouth, takes his finger puts it up the ducks аss, smells it and says
"This here is a Canadian duck, have you got a license to shoot Canadian duck?"
Exasperated, the hunter reaches into his wallet and pulls out a license for a Canadian duck.
The forest ranger looks at the hunter and says, "you know sir, you've had a license for every duck you shot, tell me, where are You from?"
The hunter turns around, drops his pants, bends over and says, "You tell me! You're the Expert!"
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear.
In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful.
Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could.
The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff.
His hopes were dim.
Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!"
The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air.
Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to an abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.
Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive..."
Two hunters from Moscow charter a small plane to fly them to Siberia to go bear hunting.
On landing, the pilot says, "Remember, this plane can only fly with two hunters, one pilot, and ONE bear."
The hunters go out and return with two bears.
So the pilot says, "I told you ONE bear!"
But the hunters point out that the previous year, on payment of an extra 100 rubles, the pilot had let them put two bears on board.
After long discussion centering on the impossibility of the thing and the disgraceful degree of inflation, the pilot takes 200 rubles and with much pushing and shoving the hunters get aboard with the two bears.
After struggling into the air and fitfully flying for about two hours, the plane gives up and plummets to the earth in a snowbank.
Climbing out from under the snow and the bears, the hunters ask the pilot where he thinks they are.
The pilot says, "About the same place where we crashed last year."
A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear.
He carries his trusty 22-gauge rifle with him.
After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires.
When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.
A moment later, the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I’ll [insert appropriate colloquialism for sоdомy here].”
The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his trousers and bends over; and the bear does what he said he would do.
After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers and staggers back into town.
He’s pretty mad.
He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest.
He sees the same bear, aims, and fires.
When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.
A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “You know what to do.”
Afterward, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town, and buys a bazooka.
Now he’s really mad.
He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires.
The force of the bazooka blast knocks him flat on his back.
When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over him and says, “You’re not doing this for the hunting, are you?”
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that.
But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal.
The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.
After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear."
Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk.
He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle.
He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.
Finally he staggered home, drunк out of his mind,and went to sleep.
The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hеll of a shiner.
He said to his wife, "I know I was drunк last night, but not drunк enough to get in a fight and not remember it.
Where did I get this blackeye?"
His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my раnтiеs.
Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."