Once upon a time Nasa decided to send 3 astronauts to space for 2 years. One was American, one was Russian, and the other was English. NASA allowed each of them to take 200 pounds of baggage each.
The American decided to take along his wife, the Englishman decided to take along books to learn how to speak German, whilst the Russian decided to take along cigarettes.
Two years later, when the space shuttle landed, there was a big crowd waiting to welcome them home. First came the American and his wife, and each of them had a baby in their arms. Next came the Englishman speaking fluent German. They both gave their speeches and got a rousing round of applause.
Suddenly, out came the Russian with a cigarette in his mouth. He walked up to the podium, snarled at the crowd, and asked, "Has anyone got a friggin' match?"
An American cowboy was traveling in England and decided to stop at a tea shop for a drink. On the menu there were several different teas to choose from. When the waitress came to take his order, the cowboy asked, "Ma'am, what the hеll do all these names mean?"
The waitress calmly replied, "We have basically three types of tea, sir. The peacove tea is 90% substance and 10% aroma, the orange tea is 10% substance and 90% aroma, and the Blackberry tea is an acquired taste."
The cowboy responded, "Where I come from, we have three types of tea too, Ma'am. There's s-h-i-T which is 90% substance and 10% aroma, there is f-a-r-T which is 10% substance and 90% aroma, and then there is c-u-n-T which is an acquired taste."
After World War II, an American soldier was going back to London from the front.
He was on a very crowded train, and was looking for a seat, but the only empty one was next to an older lady, and she had her pet poodle on it.
He said, “Please, madam, I’m very tired. May I please sit here?”
The lady replied, “No. My precious little poodle, Miss Fluffy, is sitting here.”
The soldier walked the length of the train again with no luck,
So he went back to the same seat next to the same woman and said,
“Please, Madam, I have been fighting at the front for months, my feet hurt and I’m very tired. May I please sit here?”
The woman told him,
“I cannot believe how rude you are! I have already told you that my darling little Miss Fluffy is sitting here.”
At that, the American lost his temper, picked up the poodle and threw it out the window.
An old man who was sitting across the compartment looked at the American soldier and said,
“You Americans do everything wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you eat with the wrong hand and now you’ve thrown the wrong b!itch out of the window!”
-If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth eating.
- If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive truck with a 12-pack of вееr and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help, just stay out of their way - this is what they live for.
- Don't be surprised to find boiled peanuts, movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store.
- Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
- Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
- If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" - stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
- If you see a turn signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
- Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. They are to be positioned directly in front of one's trailer, since it cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
- As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember: many Southerners learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
- You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
Some time ago President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when, at the last minute, his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement on short notice.
The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his managers but was told that this was the best they could do at such short notice.
Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to the chief of staff about the cook, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off and by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse 'til finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom.
Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end and this made him feel even worse. By now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened and as he undid his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees. As he was just about to pass out, she веnт over him and heard her president whisper in a barely audible voice, sack my cook.
And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.