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A few days after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Bar Harbor man answered his door to find two grim-faced Harbor Master officers.
“We’re sorry Mr. Flynn, but we have some information about your wife,”.
“Tell me! Did you find her?!” Cedric Flynn asked.
One officer said, “We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news”!
Fearing the worst, Mr. Flynn said, “Give me the bad news first.”
The officer said, “I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in the bay.”
“Oh no!” exclaimed Flynn. What could possibly be the good news?”
The officer continued, “When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Atlantic Lobsters you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven’t seen lobsters like that since the 60’s, and we feel you are entitled to a share of the catch.”
Stunned, Mr. Flynn demanded, “If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news?”
The officer replied, “We’re gonna pull her up again tomorrow.”
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The kings sent out explorers in search of new lands and treasures. Upon conclusion of a grand find they’d dispatch messages via carrier рigеоn to the castle palace promptly informing the king.
Caravans traveled north, south, east and west. One day these intrepid explorers came upon villages that all had something rare and exotic in common. Each village had a delicate and supple food called smoked ham. The kings men were delighted for they had never tasted such a delicacy.
This was such great news each caravan decided to send all of their carrier pigeons at once. They wanted to insure these messages of grandeur found their mark. The pouches carried by the royal pigeons were filled with bits and pieces of this remarkable substance.
Suddenly the skies became darkened around the castle as hordes of carrier pigeons flooded the palace with massive amount of messages all at once. This angered the king, it was the first time he’d ever been spammed.
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A crab and a lobster are secretly dating. Pretty soon, the lobster tires of the lying and tells her father, who then forbids her to see the crab anymore.
“It’ll never work, honey.” he says to her. “Сrавs walk sideways and we walk straight.”
“Please,” she begs her father. “Just meet him once. I know you’ll like him.”
Her father finally relents and agrees to a one-time meeting, and she runs off to share the good news with her crab sweetie.
The crab is so excited he decides to surprise his beloved’s family.
He practices and practices until he can finally walk straight!
On the BIG day, he walks the entire way to the lobster’s house as straight as he can.
Standing on the porch, and seeing the crab walking towards him, the lobster dad yells to his daughter…..
“I knew it! Here comes that crab and he’s drunк!”
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75 year old rings her local hospital:
‘Hello I’d like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised, or improved?’
‘Do you know which ward she is in?’
‘Yes, ward P, room 2B’
‘I’ll just put you through to the nurse station.’
‘Hello, ward P, how can I help?’
‘I’d just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?’
‘I’ll just check her notes…
I’m pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree’s condition has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.’
‘Oh that’s wonderful news, I’m so happy; thank you ever so much!’
‘You seem very relieved. Are you a close friend or relative?’
‘No, I’m Mrs Tiptree in room 2B. Nobody tells you fuск all in here.’
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