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Old People Jokes

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A crocodile has 2 eyes and 80 teeth.
Question:
What has 80 eyes and 2 teeth?
Answer:
A full bus of old men.
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Yo momma's so old she knew the Virgin Mary when she was 10 and said Lil Mary will never amount to anything.
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When Chuck Norris is as old as dirt, he will be the salt of the earth.
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An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application.
Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough.
He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof.
He goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened.
She replies, “Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!”
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A retiree said to his 80 year old friend, “It it true you’re getting married?”
“Sure is.”
“Have I met her?”
“I don't think so.”
“Is she attractive?”
“Won't win any beauty contests.”
“Can she cook?”
“Can't even boil an egg.”
“Is she rich?”
“Rich? Heck, she's so poor she can't even pay attention.”
“She must be great in the sack then?”
“I haven't actually found out.”
“My God, man, why are you marrying her?”
“She can still drive.”
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A 5 year old black boy walks up to a 5 year old white boy and says,
"My daddy's goy a car.
When he honks the horn it goes 'hоnкеy hоnкеy'".
Little white boy says,
"Shiт, my daddys got a chain saw when he starts it up it goes 'run niggа niggа run'".
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A retired couple had dinner at their friends’ house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went to the kitchen. The two men were talking and one said, “We've been going to a new restaurant and it’s really great.
I’d recommend it very highly.”
The other man asked, “What’s the name of the place?”
The first man thought awhile and finally said, “What are those flowers you send a woman you love?
The ones with red petals and thorns?”
“You must mean roses,” he replied.
“That’s it,” said the man.
He yelled to his wife, “Rose, what’s the name of the restaurant we like?”
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A 7-year-old boy and a 40-year old man are walking together in a dark forest.
The young boy says,
"I'm afraid..." The 40-year-old man replies," You're afraid?!
I have to walk out of here alone!"
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A couple celebrating their 50th anniversary had many well wishers stop by to congratulate them.
After all of their guest had left, the two settled into recliners.
“Mother,” the man said, “our marriage is tried and true.”
“What’s that you say?” she asked. “You know I can’t hear without my hearing aid.”
“I said, our marriage is tried and true,” he repated, a little louder.
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Why doesnt a man eat out an 80 year old woman? Ever opened up a grilled cheese?
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Chuck Norris helps little old ladies cross the street...
Bad guys get kicked to the curb!
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May 6th, 1945: A then five-year old Chuck Norris swam the Atlantic Ocean.
The next day, the Nazis surrendered...
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Sеx at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
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My father, a retired factory worker, keeps reminiscing about the "good 'ol days" of his younger years.

Then without skipping a beat, he'll say something like, "but it really isn't so bad nowadays."

Then he goes right back to how nice he had it as a teenager back in the 60's.

Then, right away it's back to the present, with "but technology today makes everything so much easier."

It's back and forth, back and forth from the present to the past, past to the present.

"You know dad," I finally told him, "you're nothing but a baby boomerang!"
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What is so special about the retirement age?
"It is the time when one acquires sufficient experience to lose one's job."
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Your mamma so old that her first Christmas was the first Christmas when Jusse said his first words you a hое.
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I saw the priest watching роrnоgrарhy.
Should I get jelous?
- Johnny, 11 years old.
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Did you hear about the 9 year old African nigglet?
He was going through a mid-life crisis.
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