One Liner Jokes, Short jokes

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A blonde was driving down the motorway when she read a sign saying, "Clean toilets ahead, 10 miles on the left."
She was really late for her appointment since there were 26 toilets to clean.

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"I'm sorry, Bill," said the doctor, "there's simply nothing I can do for you. Your condition is hereditary."
"Oh," replied Bill, "in that case just send the bill to my parents."

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When her husband returns home at two in the morning, the wife confronts him.
"I told you two beers and home by ten o’clock!"
The man replies, "I'm sorry honey, I must have gotten the two numbers mixed up."

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A donkey had an IQ of 186. He had no friends at all though...
Because even in the animal kingdom, nobody likes a smart-аss!

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There's an interesting new novel about two ex-convicts.
One of them studies to become a lawyer, the other decides to go straight.

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Q: What is a parrot's favorite game?
A: Hide and Speak!

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I think the girl at the Airlines check-in just threatened me.
She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisle?”
I laughed in her face and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”

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That look on your face when you realize it's a Friday!

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Chuck Norris can speak Russian... In Chinese.

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Everyone told Sam not to sing...
But Samsung anyway.

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A Dublin lawyer died in poverty, and many people donated to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling.
"Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty more of them."

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A teacher asked her class to write on "What's the bravest thing your dad has done?"
A student wrote... "My dad married my mom."

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I have one cup of coffee every morning to start the day off right...
The other ones are to keep me out of jail, help me form sentences, and fuel my razor sharp wit!

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A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad because all the cars were leaving.

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Boss - Do you think you can come in on Saturday? I know you enjoy your weekends but I need you here.
Me - Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as public transport on weekends is slow.
Boss - What time will you get here?
Me - Monday.

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A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there.
The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?"
The man replies,
"No, just spots."

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A coworker named Celsius recently retired at my work, so they hired a guy named Kelvin to replace him.
He’s the new temp!

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A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. A friend of his said,
"I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied. "But where in the world was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"

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