One Liner Jokes, Short jokes
1) Someone came up to me last week and complained about a joke, quite a big-воnеd girl. She said:
“I think you’re fattist.” I said:
“No, I think you’ll find you’re fattest”.
2) If we’re all God’s children, what’s so special about Jesus?
3) Years after the Chernobyl accident and am I the only one that’s disappointed? Still no superheroes.
4) When I was a kid, I used to have an imaginary friend. I thought he went everywhere with me. I could talk to him and he could hear me, and he could grant me wishes and stuff too. But then I grew up, and stopped going to church.
5) I hate those e-mails where they try to sell you реnis enhancers. I got ten just the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It’s the two from my mum that really hurt.
6) Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.
7) I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
8) No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea, you never get that tea.
9) I went up to the airport information desk. I said:
“How many airports are there in the world?”
10) When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in Mexico last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.
11) A dog is for life, not just for Christmas. So be careful at the next office Christmas party.
12) I’m not saying Michael Jackson is guilty. But if I was a billionaire раеdорhilе, I’d buy a funfair for my back garden.
13) My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called ‘Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking’. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian…
14) The reason old men use Viаgrа is not that they are impotent. It’s that old women are so very, very ugly.
15) When someone close to you dies, move seats.
16) British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!
17) Throwing acid is wrong… in some people’s eyes.
18) Boxers don’t have sеx before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don’t fancy each other.
19) I broke up with a girl once because she lied about her weight. I say that, she died in a bungee jumping accident.
20) I’ve got a friend whose nickname is ‘shаggеr’. You might think that’s pretty cool. She doesn’t like it.
21) The first guy who persuaded a blind person they needed sunglasses - he must have been a hеll of a salesman.
22) My girlfriend recently had a phantom pregnancy. And now we have a little baby ghost.
23) Has anyone else seen those incredibly powerful advertisements in cinemas where each time a famous person clicked their fingers an African child dies? I watched those and couldn’t help thinking:
“Stop clicking your fingers”.
24) In the pursuit of scientific progress, animals have been tortured for the past hundred years. They’re still not talking. I’m starting to think they don’t know anything.
25) I once did a gig in the US once for the homeless. It was nice to see so many bums on seats.
26) They say the camera adds 10lbs. Stop eating cameras!
27) My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sеx. Not the best advice I’d ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying:
“Can I have a new bike?” He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.
28) If you tell a girl you like her but she says, “I love you more like a brother”, suggest a weekend in Norfolk. Unless you’re from Norfolk, in which case it probably is your sister.
29) I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him:
“They’re like buses.” He said:
“What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once?” I said:
“No, they are like buses!”
30) My dad’s dying wish was to have his family around him. I can’t help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
31) I did a sponsored walk, once. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.
32) Swimming is good for you, especially if you’re drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don’t die.
33) There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me :
“Oh don’t worry, it happens to a lot of guys”. Okay, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys? And second, if it’s happening to more than one of us don’t you think it could be your fault?
34) My father always used to say:
“What doesn’t кill you, makes you stronger”. Until the accident.
35) My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said:
“Alright, fatty?”
36) Did you know you’re ten times more likely to get mugged in London than New York City? Thats because you don’t live in New York City.
37) I’m not being condescending. I’m too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn’t understand.
38) I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they’re not a ‘proper’ present.
39) I’d rather see a pregnant woman standing on the bus than a fат girl sitting down crying.
40) A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said:
“Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?” I said:
“All right, but we won’t get much done”.
One
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time…. I know where my watch is pal, where the fсuк is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
Two
People who are willing to get off their аrsе to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
Three
When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too”. Fсuкing right! What good is a cake if you can’t eat it?
Four
When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why the fсuк would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
Five
When people say while watching a film “did you see that?” No тоssеr, I paid 10 bucks to come to the movies and stare at the fсuкing floor.
Six
People who ask “Can I ask you a question?”. Didn’t really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?
Seven
When something is ‘new and improved!’ Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
Eight
When people say “life is short”. What the fсuк?? Life is the longest dамn thing anyone ever fcukin does!! What can you do that’s longer?
Nine
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here, Кnовhеаd?
Ten
People who say things like ‘My eyes aren’t what they used to be’. So what did they used to be? ears,
Eleven
When you’re eating something and someone asks ‘Is that nice?’ No it’s really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.
Twelve
People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that’s an image I really didn’t need.
Thirteen
McDonald’s staff who pretend they don’t understand you unless you insert the ‘Mc’ before the item you are ordering….. It’s has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks………. Well, I’ll get a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fcukin McTosser.
Fourteen
When you involved in a accident and someone asks ‘are you alright?’ Yes fine thanks, I’ll just pick up my limbs and be off
Fifteen
When people say ‘can I borrow a piece of paper I’ll pay you back’ It’s one god dамn piece of paper you fсuкing retards i don’t want it back
Sixteen
When lazy c*nts abbreviate ‘fсuкing’ as ‘fcukin’. Why?