One Liner Jokes, Short jokes

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It's so cold here...
That the local flasher is running up to people describing himself!

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Sam (boasting about his hunting trip): "All of a sudden I spotted a leopard..."
Pam: "You can’t kid me, they come that way!"

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I don’t always go the extra mile...
But when I do, it's because I missed my exit!

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When do you congratulate someone for their mistake?
On their Wedding Day!

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Scary! Creepy! Will you survive the horror? ...

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If you woke up this morning, it means Chuck Norris spared your life.

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What do you see when the smog lifts in Los Angeles?
U. C. L. A...

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Two kids were deciding what game to play.
One said, “Let’s play doctor!”
“Good idea,” said the other. “You be the doctor who operates, and I’ll be the patient who sues.”

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Replenishing one's stock of mints can be a mo' mentos occasion.

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"Doctor, Doctor, I have a hoarse throat."
"Well I hate to break it you, but the resemblance doesn't end there."

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During self isolation..
Dogs: "Oh My god, you're here all day and this is the best as I can love you, see you, be with you and follow you! I am so excited because you are the greatest and I love you being here so much!

Cats: "What the hеll are you still doing here?"

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"On Halloween, what is the most read part of a newspaper? The 'Horrorscope.'"

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Young Simon was sitting in his grandmother's kitchen, watching her prepare the Thanksgiving meal.
'What are you doing?' Simon enquired.
'Oh, I'm just stuffing the turkey,' his grandmother replied.
'Wow, that's cool.' Simon remarked. 'Are you going to hang it next to the deer?'

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Walter: I ain't afraid of the cops around Santa Ana. You seen some of these guys? What, cops on bicycles?
How intimidating is this: Alright buddy, pull it over. Ching-ching-ching? What do they do when they arrest somebody? Alright, get in the basket.

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A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman.
Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role.
"Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."

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Me (texting): Are we still on for today?
Reply Received: You don’t have to text me this every morning! As your boss, trust me when I say, WE ARE "ON" FOR WORK EVERYDAY, MON - FRI!

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A blonde, brunette, and redhead are in the seventh grade. Which one is the sexiest?
The blonde, because she is the only one that's 18.

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A doctor told her patient that his test results indicated that he had a rare disease and had only six months to live. "Isn't there anything I can do?", pleaded the patient. "Marry a lawyer," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest six months of your life."

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