One Liner Jokes, Short jokes

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Me (texting): Are we still on for today?
Reply Received: You don’t have to text me this every morning! As your boss, trust me when I say, WE ARE "ON" FOR WORK EVERYDAY, MON - FRI!

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A blonde, brunette, and redhead are in the seventh grade. Which one is the sexiest?
The blonde, because she is the only one that's 18.

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A doctor told her patient that his test results indicated that he had a rare disease and had only six months to live. "Isn't there anything I can do?", pleaded the patient. "Marry a lawyer," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest six months of your life."

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Hired a handy man and gave him a list. When I got home, only items #1, 3, & 5 were done.
Turns out, he only does odd jobs.

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Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii...
Or just a-low-ha?

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It's so cold in Alaska that:
... someone stabbed himself with an icicle and died of cold cuts!
... babies are brought by penguins, not by storks!

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Are people born with a photographic memory? Or does it take time to develop?

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A patient sobs to his doctor, “I feel like a pair of curtains!”
Doctor replies, “Well pull yourself together man!”

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A blonde goes to an office party and wins a thermos. The blonde asks a co-worker, What does it do? He says it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. The next day the blond goes to work after filling her thermos with ice cream and tea.

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Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Вееr and women!"

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The seven-year old girl told her mom, "A boy in my class asked me to play doctor."
"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"
"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."

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The old adage that "It takes a thief to catch a thief" may indeed be true. But these days there's a 3rd thief involved pleading the case -- the lawyer.

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Q: Why can't blondes be cowgirls?
A: They can't keep their calves together.

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“I'm really good at being lazy. In fact, my doctor even said that if I continue being this lazy I should expect atrophy.”

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A young blonde girl goes to the doctor for a physical.
The doctor puts his stethoscope up to the girl's chest and says, 'Big breaths...'
The girl replies, 'Yeth and I'm not even thixteen.'

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A blonde is going to London on a plane; how can you steal his window seat? Tell him all seats going to London are in the middle row.

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"My Friday is ruined!"
"Why, what happened?"
"I realized today is Tuesday."

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A man is bragging about his new hearing aid. "It's the best I've ever had," he says. "It cost $3,000."
His friend asks, "What kind is it?"
He says,
"Half past four!"

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