One Liner Jokes, Short jokes

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I cant stand homeless people. I dont feel bad about saying it. I dont mind saying it because I give homeless people money. I give them more money than I should, so I feel, as a paying customer, I have a right to complain.

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A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.
It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature."
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

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Halloween is pay day, folks. A lot of parents are strange; they say, Ration the candy. I say, Let them eat as much as they want -- they throw up, the rest is mine. Thats how I handle Halloween.

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Chuck Norris got shot. We are now in the hospital, where the bullet is in critical condition.

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“An acupuncturist is a pin doctor.”

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Talk is cheap….. if lawyers don’t do the talking.

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Doctor: What's wrong with your bother?
Boy: He thinks he is a chicken.
Doctor: really? How long has this been going on?
Boy: Five years.
Doctor: Five years!
Boy: We would have brought him in earlier, but we needed the eggs.

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Patient: Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Doctor: Lie down on the couch and I'll examine you.
Patient: I can't, I'm not allowed on the furniture.

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You know who Uncle Sam is, hes that goat-faced dude who dresses like Apollo Creed. Hes always pointing at you. He wants you. Is that really the imagery we should be listening to? An uncle who looks like hes about to touch you? Uncle Sam wants you to keep a secret.

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Did you hear the one about the blonde fox that got stuck in a trap?
She chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

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Q: Why don't blondes like making Kool-Aid?
A: They can't fit eight cups of water in the little packet.

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When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete.

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How do you confuse a blonde? Put her in a circle and tell her to go to the corner.

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"Doctor! There's fly in the ointment!"
"Yes, I know, he's recovering from a nasty soup-burn."

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A blonde decides to try horseback rising.
On her first outing, the bouncing horse causes her to lose control, and she is thrown from the horse. Just as she loses consciousness, the carousel stops.

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What do you call a blonde standing on her head?
A brunette with bad breath.

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You ever get a new cell phone and you're too lazy to transfer all the numbers over, so you just stop being friends with a bunch of people?

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Why did the deaf blonde sit on the newspaper? So she could lip read.

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