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What did the buffalo say when his son left for college?
Bison!
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An insurance agent's wife was learning to drive when the brakes failed.
"What should I do?" she cried.
"Brace yourself, and try to hit something cheap."
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Q: Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch?
A: At the casketeria. Q: What part of the street do vampires live on?
A: The dead end. Q: What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin-pi! Q: What can you say about a horrible mummy joke?
A: It Sphinx! Q: What do you call a vampire that lives in a kitchen?
A: Count Spatula. Q: What do ghosts wear when their eyesight gets blurred?
A: Spooktacles Q: What would be the national holiday for a nation of vampires?
A: Fangs-giving! Q: What’s a zombie’s favorite cereal?
A: Rice Creepies. Q: Where do ghosts go on holidays?
A: The Boohamas. Q: What did one ghost say to the other?
A: Get a life! Q: What did the fisherman say on Halloween?
A: Trick or trout. How do ghosts search the Q: Web?
A: They use ghoul-gle. Q: What goes around a haunted house and never stops?
A: A fence. Q: Who do monsters buy cookies from?
A: Ghoul scouts. Q: Why is a cemetery a great place to write a story?
A: Because there are so many plots there! Q: Why do Jack-o-lanterns have wicked smiles?
A: Because they just had their brains scooped out! Q: Where is the best place to party on Halloween?
A: The g-RAVE-yard. Q: Why did the baby wrap itself in white cloth strips?
A: It was just trying to be just like its mummy. Q: Why do ghosts like to hang out at bars?
A: Because all of the Boos. Q: Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
A: No body.
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Do you know how to save five drowning lawyers?
No.
Good!
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Jury(n): a collection of people banded together for the purpose of deciding who has hired the better lawyer.
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"My electrician's favorite philosopher is Voltaire."
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My boss said, “I find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays.”
I said, “It must be my weekend immune system.”
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The inventor of the umbrella was originally going to call it brella...
But he hesitated.
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Once, Yogi Berra's wife Carmen asked, "Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?"
Yogi replied, "Surprise me."
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Q: Where do ghosts buy their Halloween candy?
A: At the ghost-ery store! Q: What do owls say when they go trick or treating?
A: Happy Owl-ween! Q: What do ghosts give out to trick or treaters?
A: Booberries! Q: Who did Frankenstein go trick or treating with?
A: His ghoul friend. Q: What Halloween candy is never on time for the party?
A: Choco-LATE! Q: Which type of pants do ghosts wear to trick or treat?
A: Boo jeans. Q: What makes trick or treating with twin witches so challenging?
A: You never know which witch is which! Q: What monster plays tricks on Halloween?
A: Prank-enstein! Q: What fruit do scarecrows love the most?
A: Straw-berries. Q: What does a witch use to do her hair?
A: Scarespray! Q: What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?
A: He is мisт. Q:How do you fix a cracked pumpkin?
A: A pumpkin patch. Q: Why don’t vampires have more friends?
A: Because they are a pain in the neck. Q: What position does a ghost play in hockey?
A: Ghoulie. Q: What do you give a vampire when he’s sick?
A: Coffin-drops. Q: What is a ghost's nose full of?
A: Boooooogers! Q: Have you heard how popular the local cemetery is?
A: People are just dying to get in. Q: Why was the broom late?
A: It over swept.
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Gość wzywa kelnera i pyta: - Czy muzycy w waszym lokalu grają na życzenie gości? - Oczywiście
A man is in a restaurant where a pianist is playing in a corner.
"Do you play things on request?" calls the man to the pianist.
"Oh yes, sir," says the pianist.
"Great," says the man. "Play dominoes."
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I had an office so small...
That when I put the key in the door, I broke a window.
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I was in Paris, with orders to replace my boss's antique white chesspieces. He told me, “Spare no expense!” He gave me a blanc échec.
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On her way back from the concession stand, Sandra asked the man at the end of the row, "Sir, did I step on your foot a minute ago?"
Expecting an apology the man said, "Indeed you did."
Sandra nodded, "Oh, good. Then this is my row."
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Someone who gets crushed to death shopping on Black Friday, aka a Walmartyr.
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How I feel on a Monday morning.
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THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY!!!
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SURPRISE! It's Monday again!
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