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Science jokes

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If you had a million dollars and gave away one quarter, and another quarter, and then another quarter, how much would you have left?
A million dollars minus 75 cents.
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The First Law of Thermodynamics states:
Matter cannot be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Chuck Norris.
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The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
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Yo mama so fат when she went to outer space NASA thought they discovered a new planet.
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A neutron walks into a bar.
"Id like a вееr" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a вееr.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."
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One day, a Mechanical Engineer, Electrical Engineer, Chemical Engineer and Computer Engineer were driving down the street in the same car. All of a sudden, the car broke down.
The Mechanical Engineer said, "I think a rod broke."
The Chemical Engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the end, I don't think it's getting gas."
The Electrical Engineer said, "I think there was a spark and something is wrong with the electrical system."
All three turned to the computer engineer and said, "What do you think?"
The Computer Engineer said, "I think we should all get out and get back in."
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Little Johnny's teacher asks, "What is the chemical formula for water?"
Little Johnny replies, "HIJKLMNO"!
The teacher, puzzled, asks, "What on Earth are you talking about?"
Little Johnny replies, "Yesterday you said it was H to O!"
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Жена астронавт на Луната: Do you know why women aren't allowed in space?
First woman in space:
"Houston, we have a problem."
What?
"Never mind."
What's the problem?
"Nothing."
Please tell us.
"I'm fine."
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- Баскетбол - боулинг - тенис - голф… The game of choice for unemployed people or maintenance level workers is basketball.
After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America's ball-related recreational preferences:
The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is basketball.
The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is bowling.
The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is football.
The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball.
The sport of choice for middle management is tennis.
The sport of choice for corporate officers is golf.
Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller your ваlls become.
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I lost an electron Das verlorene Elektron Iba un átomo caminado por la calle con cara de preocupación. Un átomo conocido lo ve y le pregunta: Qué tal amigo Due atomi si incontrano per strada. Il primo: "Come va? Tutto bene?". L'altro Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says Molecule 1: I just lost an electron. Molecule 2: Are you sure? Molecule 1: I’m positive. Dos moléculas están caminando en la calle y chocan. Una le dice a la otra: “¿Estas bien” “¡No Two molecules are walking down the street and one starts looking around. The other asks Two hydrogen atoms are at a party and bump into each other. The first one says Two atoms were walking down the street. One atom says to the other one
A proton and a neutron are walking down the street.
The proton says, "Wait, I dropped an electron help me look for it."
The neutron says "Are you sure?"
The proton replies "I'm positive."
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We live in an expanding universe.
All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
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Helium walks into a bar.
The bartender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."
Helium doesn't react.
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Q: Anyone know any jokes about sodium?
A: Na
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Jaimito y el cuarto frio - Тате Въпрос: Знаете ли защо блондинките през зимата стоят в ъгъла на стаята? Хлапето към майката блондинка: - Защо блондинките отиват в ъгъла като им е студено? Do you feel cold! Frage: Was macht ein Burgenländer wenn ihm kalt ist? Antwort : Er stellt sich in die Ecke Son: "Dad Der Junge nervt seinen Papa immer und immer wieder: "Papa... Paaapaaa Dlaczego jak jest zimno - Jag fryser. - Ställ dig i ett hörn. - Men hur kan det hjälpa mig? - Jo Tjejen säger: “Jag fryser” Killen svarar: “Men gå bort till hörnet Warum stellt sich eine Blondine in die Ecke Faaar Wohin geht ein Mathelehrer wenn ihm kalt ist? In die Ecke dort sind es immer 90 Grad Poika: ”Isä En pappa till sin son: - Fryser du? - Ja. - Gå och sätt dig i ett hörn då. Där är det alltid 90 grader. Hvad skal man gøre hvis man sidder i et rum Wat doet een domblonddje als ze het koud heeft?? Ze gaat in een hoek van 90 graden staan Wohin geht eine Blondine Hvad gør en blondine når hun fryser? - Hun går hen til et hjørne fordi det er 90 grader?
Son: Dad, it's so cold in here!
Father: Go stand in the corner.
Son: Why?
Father: The corner is 90 degrees.
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Three professors (a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician) are called in to see their dean.
Just as they arrive the dean is called out of his office, leaving the three professors there.
The professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.
The physicist says, "I know what to do! We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out."
The chemist says, "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supply of oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants."
While the physicist and chemist debate what course to take, they both are alarmed to see the statistician running around the room starting other fires.
They both scream, "What are you doing?"
To which the statistician replies, "Trying to get an adequate sample size."
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."
The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" - and he died.
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It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA; they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime.
As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Lowenstein, the head scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States.
He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it.
"Mr. President," said Dr. Lowenstein, grinning broadly, "after twelve years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars."
He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown.
He said, "But that’s impossible... we could never do it. Yes Mr. President,” and hung up the phone.
He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously.
"I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we’ve found intelligent life on Mars... he wants us to try to find it in Congress."
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Mr. Brown was telling his son a bed-time story.
"Once upon a time there was a white bunny..."
"Jeez..dad it's boring,what about science fiction?"
"Ok,Ok" Mr Brown said.
"Once upon a time there was a Bunny who got onto a spacecraft and...."
"Dad, a little more grown up!"
"Do you promise me not to tell your mom?" asked Mr Brown.
" I swear!"
"Ok", "Once upon a time there was a nакеd bunny..."
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