Sex Jokes

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Whats the definition of Confusing ?
A same sеx marriage in Thailand.

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When it comes to sеx, my old lady thinks twice before she turns me down.
Yeah, she turns me down once in the morning and once at night.

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“Go on,” I said to the wife, “Let me see your sеx face”
“No” she snarled.
“There, wasn’t too difficult was it?”

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Once that baby hits, you go from being lovers to teammates. It's like, 'Feed her. Pass her. Burp her. Pass her. Clean her. Pass her. Diaper. Pass her.' At the end of the night, we're too tired for sеx. We just fall into bed and high five:
'Way to burp her.'
'Nice wipe.'

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I was standing next to an Eskimo having a рiss I asked, “What are those marks all down your соск?”
He said, “They’re from my wife’s teeth chattering.

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A guy goes into a whоrеhоusе and asks for the biggest fattest and blackest whоrе available
The Madame says we’ve got Big Mamma in room 4 , all 28 stone of her.
The guy says ” she’ll do fine”!
He goes in and says to Big Mamma ” Take off all you’re clothes and spread your legs as wide as you can”
She does this and the guy just stands at the bottom of the bed looking puzzled at her,after about 15 minutes he says ” Okay you can put your clothes back on”
She says “Aren’t you gonna fuск me”?
He says ” no I’m done ”
She says ” What the fuск was all that about then “?
He says ” Well I’ve been out today and bought a big black fuск off leather settee, and I wanted to see what it looked like with pink cushions “!

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It’s just the worst thing ever when you shout the wrong name during sеx.
I accidentally shouted out my sister’s name last week…
My mum was not happy!

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I was offered sеx today, with a 21 year old girl. In exchange for that, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner to my friends. Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standards with a strong willpower. Just as strong as Dettol, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available scented with lemon or vanilla.

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Women wake up yawning and men with an еrестiоn.
Coincidence?
I think not.

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I'm in London -- I'm in Piccadilly Circus -- and I feel this guy grab my knapsack. I turn around, and he's like, 'Oop! You caught me. I'm a pickpocket. Can I buy you a drink?' So, I had sеx with him.

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For me, having sеx is a lot like spreading butter on toast.
It’s possible with a credit card, but so much easier with a knife.

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I’ve just seen an advert on Роrnhuв that claimed it could “teach me to have sеx without cuming”
I’m not paying 25 bucks for that when I could just ask my girlfriend how she does it.

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I woke up this morning and thought I had tunnel vision.
Luckily it was a false alarm, the wife just fancied a 69.

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Women are like rocks. They're only cool after they get wet.

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I love to share things with people who don’t have what I’ve got. I think that’s why I love sеx with women so much.

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A 13 year old was watching a movie on cable TV. A man ripped off a woman’s blouse and said, “I want what I want when I want it!”
The boy, turned on by the scene and the lоvемакing which followed, finished watching the movie, and decided to try what he had just witnessed on the 13 year old girl next door, a classmate.
He went over to her house, found that her parents weren’t home from work yet and ripped off her blouse. Then said, “I want what I want when I want it !”
The girl stared at him and coolly replied…. “You’ll get what I got when I get it!”

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Yo mama is so ugly she was hired by a prison to cure sеx offenders.

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I bought my wife a diamond ring and she promised аnаl sеx in return.
“This wasn’t quite what I had in mind,” I said, as she introduced me to Paul, her hairdresser.

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