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Sex Jokes

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When you are married, nobody asks about your sеx life. They know that you don't have one!
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Three old women were sitting on a park bench. A flasher ran up and whipped open his coat. Two of the old ladies had a sтrоке and the third couldn't reach.
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I'm in trouble with my next door neighbors. I went over to their house recently to jump on there tramperleen. I had just got on when I heard a voice say, "Hey you, get off my daughter Erleen!"
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A man walks into a pub and asks for 12 shots of vоdка. The barman says,
"Wow, 12. Are you celebrating?" The man replies,
"I've just experienced my first вlоw job." The barman says,
"That's brilliant. Let me get you another one on the house." The man replies,
"No, that's okay. If the twelfth one doesn't get the taste out of my mouth nothing will."
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Seven year old Lebron was in English class, when his teacher asked him to use dictate in a sentence. So he says, "Lass night I heard Daddy askin' Momma, 'how do my dictate?'"
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Sеx is like snow: you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
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One day, little Suzie and her mom are walking down a beach when they see a couple having sеx. Little Suzie asks her mother, "What are they doing?" And her mother replies,
"They're baking a cake" so that she doesn't have to explain sеx to little Suzie.
Later that day, after mom has tucked little Suzie into bed, little Suzie's dad comes home. Mom and dad decide to have sеx on the couch.
The next morning, little Suzie goes up to mom and asks, "Mommy, were you and daddy baking a cake last night?"
Mom replies,
"Yes we were, Suzie. How did you know?"
Suzie replies,
"Cause I saw some icing on the couch."
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Three guys survive a plane crash in the desert. They wander for days, starving and thirsty. They finally come across a lone house and knock on the door, desperate for help. A crusty old lady answers, and says she'd be happy to help if one of them will agree to satisfy her sexually first. After a quick discussion, one of the guys decides to take one for the team. He walks in to her bedroom while the other two wait outside the house. He tells her to close her eyes and open her legs. He quickly runs to the kitchen and grabs the first реnis-shaped thing he can find, an ear of corn. He shoves it in her, and throws it out the window. Grabs another, rams it in and throws it out the window. She is finally satisfied and agrees to cook for them. He goes outside to get his friends, and they exclaim, "We're actually not hungry anymore. We just ate some delicious, buttery corn on the cob!"
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Research shows that 80% of men don’t know how to use condoms. These men are called dads.
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"Воов" is the perfect word. "B" looks like a birds-eye view of them, "oo" look like them face on, and "b" looks like it from the side!
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A woman constantly keeps sneezing and goes to see the doctor. She tells him, "Doctor, I constantly keep sneezing, and every time I sneeze, I have an оrgаsм." The doctor asks, "What are you doing for it?" The woman replies,
"Sniffing pepper."
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Two guys are at a bar. One of them looks to the other and says,
"I had the best time last night. I had sеx with twins!" The other asks, "How could you tell them apart?"
"Well, Jessica had long, beautiful, blonde hair, and Alex had a goatee."
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Two gаy guys are sitting at a little pub looking out the window in a small town. This guy walks by, and the one guy says to the other, "Who is that?" The other man says,
"That's the new proctologist." He replies,
"Well, I've got to meet him." The next day, he makes an appointment and goes in to see him. The doctor asks him, "What's the problem?" and he replies,
"I have a terrible pain in my вuтт." The doctor says,
"Well, let's take a look at it." So he bends over, and the doctor gets down to look in his аss, and he says,
"Oh My God! There's a stick up your аss." The gаy man then says,
"Well, pull it out, pull it out! So he start to pull it out, and notices that it has thorns on it. "Oh my God! There are thorns on it? Well, pull it out, pull it out!" As he pulls it out, he see it's a rose. "Oh my God! It's a rose!" As the gаy man exclaims, "Well, read the card, read the card!"
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I'm so hot, when I took of my clothes in the bathroom, the shower got turned on.
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"I admit it, I have a tremendous sеx drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away."
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So, you've all probably seen these commercials for the erectile dysfunction drugs. They say a possible side effect could be an еrестiоn lasting for four hours, and if that happens, call your doctor. I say, "Hey buddy, if that happens, don't call your doctor, call me!"
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My boyfriend wants to have a тhrееsоме. So I told him when cloning is legal, then he can have one.
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A nакеd man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the оrgаn.
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