Sex Jokes

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Just been chatting on Skype to a young lady who lives in Wales, she’s asked me to come and visit her…this weekend I’m off to Bangor.

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My wife said to me yesterday, “you know what I found out today? I can сrаск every воnе in my body.”
I replied, “that’s ironic because I can воnе every сrаск in your body.”

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Let me give you one word of advice: never go to a sеx shop when you're hоrny. You have no idea what you're going to end up with -- make a list; stick to the list.

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Having a beard is a lot like having a реnis.
If you have one, you’re definitely going to end up stroking it all the time.

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I would rather cuddle then have sеx. If you're good with grammar, you'll get it.

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I said, “I’m off out, mum.”
She said, “You ain’t going anywhere until you change that mini skirt.”
I said, “Why?”
She said, “Because I can see your воllоскs,pete..”

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As if there wasn’t already enough of them, now Bruce Jenner is having a sеx change there will be another сunт in the Kardashian Family..

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A girl is having sеx with her boyfriend at her parent’s house. Her father, after being awakened by the noises, goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them.
“Dad!” she exclaimed in a panic “… I’m sorry”
The dad being a dad replies “Hello, Sorry! I’m Dad!”
He then turns to the boyfriend and asks “Are you fuскing Sorry?”

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A man was prescribed Viаgrа by his doctor who told him to take it one hour before sеx.
The man collected his prescription and went home to wait for his wife to get back from work. An hour before she was due home, he took the Viаgrа pill. But just as he was expecting her, she phoned to say that she wouldn’t be in for another 2 hours.
In a panic, he phoned the doctor. “What should I do?” he asked. “I’ve taken the pill but the effects will have worn off by the time my wife gets home.”
“I see” said the doctor “It is a pity to waste it. Do you have a maid?”
“Yes”
“Well, could you not occupy yourself with her instead?”
The man was silent for a few seconds, then said~ ~ ~
“But I never need Viаgrа with the maid”

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I was trying to have sеx with my massive wife last night, when she looked down at my pathetic semi and sneered..
“Jesus, Brian, doesn’t grow very big, does it!?”
“Well it won’t.” I replied, “There’s too much fuскing shade.”

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A guy asks his wife for sеx, and she replies, “I can’t, it’s Lent.” …
…
Furious, he yells, “to whom and for how long?!”

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Me and the wife are having what is known as Olympic sеx.
It happens once every 4 years.

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On average, British couples have sеx two to three times a week, whereas Japanese couples have sеx only one to three times a month.
This is upsetting news as I had no idea I was Japanese.

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The following conversation took place at a flower shop.
Customer: Hi I’m looking for some flowers for my girlfriend.
Shop owner: What do you want?
Customer: Some sеx…

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When I said I like it rough I was talking about the sеx, not the whole entire relationship…

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My boyfriend and I had a deal: If this gets more than 30 kickass, he will be aloud to have sеx with me.

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I call the wife “Happy Meal”.
She’s not enough to satisfy me …
But she comes with a toy.

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Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sеx and men need to have sеx to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you.

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