Sex Jokes

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I was married at one time -- which is not the same as having sеx, but an incredible simulation.

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There are two types of people in the world: there are those who have lots of casual sеx with strangers -- and there's jealous people.

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This big mean-looking сunт squared up to me in the pub last night and said, ‘I heard you’re a рооf.’I replied, ‘No, that’s just a misunderstanding. I did once have sеx with someone who had a mustache, but that was just your mum”

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Do you think when sеxy blondes go on роrn websites they get adverts popping up saying, “A fат guy from nearby wants to have sеx with you”?

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You: Dad I just had sеx!
Dad: Really? Come sit down
You: I cant, my but hurts!
Dad:...
Im not a hомо, just a funny joke

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I went to the doctors with my bad back the other day.
He asks “How did you do it?”, so I replies “Having sеx doggy style.”
Doctor says, “Try having sеx the normal way”.
I told him, “I have but the dog keeps licking my face”.

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Ron and his new friend Arty were having a drink together, and were talking about their respective married lives.
I had sеx with my wife before we were married,” said Don, “did you?”
“Gee, I don’t know,” answered Arty. “What was your wifes maiden name?”

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News: Men маsтurвате on average once a day.
Ah good, so I wasn’t the only one to lie on the survey.

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If this gets 100 kickass, I will ask to have sеx with girlfriend.

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So Serena and Venus Williams have come out and admitted they are considering sеx changes.
I’m not one to judge, if they want to live as women, let them.

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I picked up some вiтсh in the pub last night. As she was about to start blowing me, she said “If you come in my mouth, I’ll never talk to you again!”
Well how could I refuse an offer like that!

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Today I got a text message from my girlfriend:
“Honey, sеx last night was awesome!!” I responded:
“Glad to hear - wish I was there too...”

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This guy had a perpetual еrестiоn. It was constantly hard, day and night. He went to a drug store to see if he could get something for it.
The pharmacist was a lady and he was kind of ashamed to tell her.
She said, “Don’t be ashamed, I’m a professional, you can tell me anything.”
He told her, “I have this perpetual hard-on. What can you give me for it?”
She responded, “Wait a minute, I’ll have to talk to my partner I’ll be right back,” and she went into the back to talk to her sister who was her partner in the drugstore.
She came back shortly and told him, “The best we can do is give you $500. and part ownership in the drugstore.”

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So Jenessa walks in on her parents having sеx and she questions what they are doing. Her mom says "Oh well sweaty we are making a cake." About 1 week later Jenessa asks her mom if they were making a cake last night and her mother said "yes we were, but how did you know?" Jenessa replies "Because I licked all the icing off the bed."

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Boxers don't have sеx before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.

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Putting a mirror on the bedroom ceiling has done nothing for my sеx-life.
Poor сunт up there looks just as bored as me.

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All those years of phone sеx has caught up with me…
I now have hearing aids.

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This guy visits the doctors and says, “Doc, I think I’ve got a sеx problem. I can’t get it up for my wife anymore.” The doctor says, “Come back tomorrow and bring her with you.” The next day, the guy shows up with his wife. The doctor says to the wife, “Take off your clothes and lie on the table.” She does it, and the doctor walks around the table a few times looking her up and down. He pulls the guy to the side and says, “You’re fine. She doesn’t give me a hard-on, either.”

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