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Sexist Jokes

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What do men have in their underpants that women don’t want on their face ?
Wrinkles.
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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
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There are three guys enjoying a relaxing day of fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting them each one wish.
Now one of the guys just doesn’t believe it and says, “O. K., if you can really grant wishes, then double my I. Q.
The mermaid says, “Done!”
Suddenly the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight. The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid, “Triple my I. Q.”
And the mermaid replies, “Done!”
The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping scientists in various fields. The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends that he says to the mermaid, “Quintuple my I. Q.”
The mermaid looks at him and says, “You know, I normally don’t try to change other people’s minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you would reconsider.
The guy replies, “No, I want to increase my I. Q. times five and if you don’t do it, I won’t set you free.”
“Please,” says the mermaid, “You don’t know what your asking…it’ll change your entire view of the universe…won’t you ask for something else.. A million dollars, anything?”
But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his I. Q. increased by five times it’s usual power.
So the mermaid sighed and said, “Done!”
And with that, he became a woman!
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Apparently, new research shows that finding a bargain can give the same excitement as sеx.
That’s got to be true.
Women can shop all day and never be satisfied.
Men: two minutes and we’re fсuкing out of there.
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Son, “Dad I’ve got a part in the school play.
I play a man who’s been married 25 years”
Dad “Maybe next time you’ll get a speaking part Son”
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Driving home today, my wife was boasting about how good women are at multi-tasking, and how there’s “No two things a man can do simultaneously that a woman can’t”.
I just sat there, scratching my ваlls as I reversed onto the driveway.
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Two cops call Сriме Branch on telephone.
“Hello, Сriме branch?”
“Yes.”
“This is sergeant John. We have case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on a floor that she had just mopped clean.”
“Have you arrested the woman?”
“No, sir. The floor is still wet.”
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Who says men can’t multi task?
I can watch a film, and explain what’s going on every 5 minutes to my wife.
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A Вееr is always wet, a woman is not….1 point for вееr!
Beer is horrible, when it is hot….1 point for women!
A cold вееr satisfies you….1 point for вееr!
For a вееr, you pay taxes….1 point for women!
If you drink a second вееr, the first one doesn’t get angry….1 point for вееr!
You can always be sure that, you are the first one Opening a вееr….1 point for вееr!
If you shake a вееr, after a while it calms down by itself….1 point for вееr!
You know exactly how much a вееr costs….1 point for вееr!
A вееr does not have a mother….1 point for вееr!
A Вееr won’t ask you to hug her for half an hour after having it….1 point for вееr!
So the Score is……Вееr beats women 8 to 2
If you’re a guy, enjoy this message.. If you are a woman reading this and getting angry, know that a вееr would never get angry……1 point for beer
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I was driving to work today and saw a woman driving down the road with her hazard lights on.
At least she’s honest.
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Was building a website for women drivers
Bloody thing kept crashing
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I was watching the football game last night and I thought some сunт had brought one of those vuvuzelas into the stadium.
Turns out it was my wife telling me all about her day at work.
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My wife was trying on her new dress, “Does my аrsе look big in this?” She asked.
I walked out of the bedroom, went down the stairs, out the front door, and walked to the top of the street…
…Called her on my mobile, and said, “Not from here it doesn’t.”
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My wife asked me to park the car in the garage for her.
Admittedly, it is a bit of a tight fit.
After I’d done it, she asked me, “How did you do that?”
I explained that there’s a small mark on the wall and when that lines up with the left hand wing mirror I pull the steering wheel slightly to the right and it fits in fine.
“No,” she said, “How did you make it go backwards?”
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In the hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. “I’m afraid I am the bearer of bad news,” he said as he surveyed the worried faces, “The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It’s an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.”
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a few minutes, someone asked, “Well, how much does a brain cost?” The doctor quickly responded, “$50,000 for a male brain, and $2,000 for a female brain.”
The moment turned awkward. The men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. One man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, “Why is the male brain so much more than the female brain?”
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then replied to the entire group, “It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they’ve been used.”
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I was chatting to the girl sitting next to me on the train this morning.
For some reason, I couldn’t understand a single word that was coming out of her тiтs.
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I drove an invisible car today.
Well, it was according to the lady who pulled out in front of me.
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My son said, “I just don’t understand girls.”
I told him, “Don’t worry, that’ll change.”
“Will it?”
“Yes, when you get older, you won’t understand women.”
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