Sports Jokes

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A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered….. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery… When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her рuвiс hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . .. .’Keep off the grass.’
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, which said ‘Sorry . . had to mow the lawn!!

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“May I go swimming, Mommy?”
“No, you may not. There are sharks here.”
“But Daddy’s swimming.”
“He’s insured.”

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It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained possession. The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants' goal when the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him.
The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly. The referee stopped the game. "What the hеll do you think you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?" The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't mean to кill him -- I was just trying to trip him up."

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A group of golfers were approaching the first tee when they noticed a woman being given first aid.
One of the golfers asked what had happened and he was informed that the woman had been bit by a bee and was having a reaction.
“Where was she bit?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” was the reply.
He then replied, “Wow! She must have been standing right over the hive.”

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Tim asked Bob “What happened to your uncle’s boat?”
“Ever notice that big rock at the entrance to the Golden Gate?” said Bob.
“Yes, I have” replied Tim.
“Well, he didn’t” said Bob.

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How do men exercise at the beach?
Every time they see a bikini they suск their belly in

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I was at the hospital's emergency room for a sports-related injury, and in answer to a question on the form I was given, I replied that I had a serious allergy. The nurse put a plastic band on my wrist and I sat down in the crowded waiting room.
The lady seated next to me glanced at my wrist, shock registering on her face, and then quickly moved away from me. Surprised, I looked at the band for the first time. It read "Nuts."

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Serena Williams, Maria Sharapov, Simona Halep, Petra Kvitova, Caroline Wozniak and several other female tennis players and female athletes have been banished from the Netherlands.
The Dutch Parliament has so decreed because the women insist on putting their fingers in the dyкеs.

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Panting and perspiring, two men on a tandem bicycle at last got to the top of a steep hill.
“That was a stiff climb,” said the first man. “It certainly was,” replied the second man.
“And if I hadn’t kept the brake on, we would have slid down backward.”

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A young unmarried man goes onto a dating website to find the perfect woman. He enters his details and describes what he is looking for:
“I want a genuine companion. She should be small and cute, should like aquatic sports and should enjoy group activities.”
He clicks on ‘Send’ and immediately gets a response:
“Marry a fсuкing реnguin.”

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Two would-be fishermen rented a boat, and one caught a large fish.
“We should mark the spot,” he said. The other man drew a large
X in the bottom of the boat with a black maker
“That’s no good,” said the first man. “Next time out we may not get the same boat.”

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His favorite sport is the Indianapolis 500, five hours of men going around in a circle. I think it'd be a more interesting race if they just broke off and drove in different directions.

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Two golfers met at the club. "I heard about your terrible tragedy last week," said one.
"Yes," said the other sadly, sipping his drink. "I was playing a two-some with Winthrop, and he dropped dead on the ninth hole."
"I understand you carried him all the way back to the clubhouse too," the first man said sympathetically. "That must have been very difficult, considering Winthrop weighed over two hundred and fifty pounds."
"The carrying wasn't that hard. It was putting him down at every sтrоке, then picking him up again that wore me out."

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Just joined New York Sports Club, which is fantastic. Now I have a bathroom on every block.

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One day a rich famous man went to buy a sport car from a dealership. The price of the car was $80000 and the man had only $79998 to pay.
The sales associate insisted that the price is firm and it has to be $80000.
The man came out of the store and looked around and saw a poor man begging for help. He went toward him and introduced himself and asked if he is kind enough to lend him $2. The poor man asked the reason. He replied that he is willing to buy a car. The poor man though for a moment and gave the man $4 and said: Please buy one for me too.

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My dog does a somersault every time Man Utd score a goal.
Sometimes he does two somersaults, it depends how hard I kick him.

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How many man united fans does it take to pave up a driveway? Depends how thin you slice them.

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The Madame opened up a new sporting-house with an eye to cutting costs.
…
She had all the rooms on one story to cut out the fuскin’ overhead.

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