Sports Jokes

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Did you hear about the politically correct country club?
They no longer refer to their golfers as having handicaps.
Instead they're "sтrоке challenged"

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Louis Van Gaal has said he doesn’t care where Danny Welbeck plays, as long as it’s not for a top 6 side.
Looks like he’s staying at Manchester United then.

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What do you call a sold-out Demolition Derby event?
A smashing success!

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Wembley tannoy announcement:
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“Please could Wayne Rooney please leave the building via the Southgate”

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Anyone really that surprised that USA’s first gold medal at the Rio Olympics involves shooting a gun?

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I'm dressing like a Dodger this Halloween. I'm going as a loser!

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Barcelona made an incredible 859 passes the other night.
Liverpool could only manage that if they got Steven Gerrard out of retirement and put him on Mastermind.

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A fisherman began to drill a hole in the ice to fish when a voice called out, "You can't fish there."
He moved the drill a few feet and began to drill again and the voice repeated, "You can't fish there either."
After three more attempts he yelled, "Why can't I fish here?"
"You can't fish anywhere here, this is an ice rink."

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Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student? Because education pays off in the long run!

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I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. “I want to live forever,” I said.
“Sorry,” said the fairy, “I’m not allowed to grant wishes like that.”
“Fine,” I said, “I want to die when Enland win the Worldcup again.”
“You crafty c*nt!” said the fairy.

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I’ve just read a book on how dramatically footballers wives lose their looks once their husbands retire.
It’s a real WAGS to witches story.

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Three fans were talking about the sad state of their local club;
The first fаn blamed…:
“I blame the manager; if we could sign better players, we’d be a great club.”
The second fаn blamed…:
“I blame the players; if they made more effort, I’m sure we would score more goals.”
The third fаn blamed…:
“I blame my parents; if I had been born in a different town, I’d be supporting a decent team.”

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Every day I spend a few hours on a running track. Next week I might even turn it on.

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Every day two million Americans play tennis and one million of them lose.

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I had lunch with a chess champion the other day.
It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.

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What was the sick boys favorite sport?
Hurling.

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With his ball and bat in hand Little Pete walked to home plate in an empty baseball field.
As he threw the ball up in the air, he announced, “I am the best ball player ever!” He swung with all his power, but missed. He did the same thing and missed again. He picked up the ball, tossed it up one more time, said “I am the best ball player in the world!” Then he swung and missed again. “Wow! He said. “What a pitcher!”

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A bachelor asked the computer to find him the perfect mate:
“I want a companion who is small and cute, loves water sports, and enjoys group activities.”
Back came the answer:
“Marry a реnguin.”

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