Sports Jokes

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What’s red and beeps? The Manchester United open-top bus reversing back in the garage.

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I was playing Football Manager on my PC when I was offered the Scotland job.
I knew it was a shiт squad with no future, so I declined the offer.
I then put the phone down and got back to Football Manager.

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As a social experiment I had my wife wear a Manchester United shirt. So far she’s been kicked,punched,spat on and verbally abused.
I dread to think what will happen when she gets out of the house.

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A football coached was asked about his star lineman. The coach replied, "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I have seen his grades and there are a lot of words he doesn't know the meaning of!"

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So after winning the game, I decided to throw the ball into the crowd, like they do on the T. V…apparently…. it’s unacceptable in bowling.

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What do you have if you hold 13 tennis ваlls in one hand and 15 tennis ваlls in the other hand?
REALLY big hands!

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Manchester United are fast becoming the Katie Price of English football.
They keep needlessly spending a fortune to boost what they’ve got up front and invariably get fcuked at the back.

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Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

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I went to the game and saw a Mexican wave, so I waved back at him.

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What does Usain Bolt do when he misses the bus?
He waits at the next station.

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You know how to catch a nice big trout? You look for a place in the stream where there's a sunken log or hole where the big ones like to hang out. Every day for a week, you throw in a handful of worms and a sugar cookie. On the last day, you just throw in the worms. When the trout sticks his head out of the water to see what happened to the sugar cookie, you hit him over the head with a baseball bat!

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If you win three games of Twister in a row you're automatically a yoga instructor.

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What is it that, the harder you run, the harder it is to catch?
Your breath.

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A hunting party is hopelessly lost. “I thought you said you were the best guide in Maine!” one of the hunters angrily said to their confused leader.
“I am, “replied the guide. “But I think we’re in Canada now.”

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Wayne Rooney - “United have won so many trophies I can’t count.”
He’s missing a full stop after trophies there.

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The drunк walking along the country road saw the duck hunter lying in the brush with the gun poised toward the direction of the high-flying flock in the distance. “Shay, mishter,” advised the drunк. “Don’t waisht a shot. The fall’ll кill’em

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The football team was getting clobbered. The first-string quarterback was injured. The second-string quarterback was injured. Even the punter was injured. All the coach had left was their third-stringer who had yet to play a down all year. He pulled the quarterback aside. "Look son, we can't afford to let them score again. We've got to run some time off the clock. Here's what I want you to do."
"On first down, run it to the left. On second down, run it to the right. On third down run it up the middle. The, on fourth down, punt it as far as you can punt it. "OK coach!" said the quarterback.
On first down he ran it to the left for 30 yards. On second down he ran it to the right for 40 more. On third down he ran it up the middle down to the one yard line. Then, on 4th down, the quarterback dropped back and punted the ball right out of the end zone.
When he got to the sideline, the coach was screaming! "What were you thinking?!!!?!!!"
The quarterback replied, "I was thinking I must be playing for the dumbest coach in the world."

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When a goal is scored in football, commentators say, “The ball’s hit the back of the net.”
Technically, the ball’s hit the front of the net.

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