Sports Jokes

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Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

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I went to the game and saw a Mexican wave, so I waved back at him.

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What does Usain Bolt do when he misses the bus?
He waits at the next station.

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If you win three games of Twister in a row you're automatically a yoga instructor.

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Got shouted at today on a training course when I was told theres no “I” in team
Told him “But there are 5 in individual brilliance”…That shut the b*stard up !!

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What is it that, the harder you run, the harder it is to catch?
Your breath.

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A hunting party is hopelessly lost. “I thought you said you were the best guide in Maine!” one of the hunters angrily said to their confused leader.
“I am, “replied the guide. “But I think we’re in Canada now.”

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Wayne Rooney - “United have won so many trophies I can’t count.”
He’s missing a full stop after trophies there.

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The drunк walking along the country road saw the duck hunter lying in the brush with the gun poised toward the direction of the high-flying flock in the distance. “Shay, mishter,” advised the drunк. “Don’t waisht a shot. The fall’ll кill’em

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The football team was getting clobbered. The first-string quarterback was injured. The second-string quarterback was injured. Even the punter was injured. All the coach had left was their third-stringer who had yet to play a down all year. He pulled the quarterback aside. "Look son, we can't afford to let them score again. We've got to run some time off the clock. Here's what I want you to do."
"On first down, run it to the left. On second down, run it to the right. On third down run it up the middle. The, on fourth down, punt it as far as you can punt it. "OK coach!" said the quarterback.
On first down he ran it to the left for 30 yards. On second down he ran it to the right for 40 more. On third down he ran it up the middle down to the one yard line. Then, on 4th down, the quarterback dropped back and punted the ball right out of the end zone.
When he got to the sideline, the coach was screaming! "What were you thinking?!!!?!!!"
The quarterback replied, "I was thinking I must be playing for the dumbest coach in the world."

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When a goal is scored in football, commentators say, “The ball’s hit the back of the net.”
Technically, the ball’s hit the front of the net.

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Jose Mourinho has given himself a new Nickname in his latest press conference.
The Temporary One.

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Incredible scenes in Madrid ahead of Fernando Torres being unveiled as an Atletico player.
Over 40,000 Chelsea fans have turned up to make sure he’s left.

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I have invented a kitchen cleaner that kills 0.1% of bacteria.
I plan to sell the secret to Dettol.

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Congratulations West Ham, the only club named after two things that ISIS hate.

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What is a paraplegics favorite sport?
Drag racing

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I was playing Fifa earlier, and found that Chicago had a team called Chicago Fire.
I was disgusted, imagine naming your sports team after the worst event in your cities history.
You don’t see the New Orleans Katrinas, the Boston Massacres, the Okalahoma Bombings, the San Francisco Big Ones, or the New York Jets…

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At one point during a baseball game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."

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