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Jose Mourinho has given himself a new Nickname in his latest press conference.
The Temporary One.

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Last night, I thought it would be funny to try and impress people by pulling the cloth from a table without breaking anything.
Far from being impressed, the members of the snooker club were extremely рissеd off.

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Incredible scenes in Madrid ahead of Fernando Torres being unveiled as an Atletico player.
Over 40,000 Chelsea fans have turned up to make sure he’s left.

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Congratulations West Ham, the only club named after two things that ISIS hate.

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What is a paraplegics favorite sport?
Drag racing

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I was playing Fifa earlier, and found that Chicago had a team called Chicago Fire.
I was disgusted, imagine naming your sports team after the worst event in your cities history.
You don’t see the New Orleans Katrinas, the Boston Massacres, the Okalahoma Bombings, the San Francisco Big Ones, or the New York Jets…

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At one point during a baseball game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."

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Muhammad Ali in 1974: Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee
Floyd Mayweather in 2015: Run like a chicken, hug like a bear

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Stranger: Catch any fish?
Fisherman: Did I! I took 25 out of this stream this morning.
Stranger: Do you know who I am? I’m the game warden.
Fisherman: Do you know who I am? I’m the biggest liar in the country.

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A football fаn is a guy who’ll yell at the quarterback for not spotting an open receiver forty-five yards down the field, and then head for the parking lot and not be able to find his own car.

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First golfer:
“I have the greatest golf ball in the world. You can’t lose it.”
Second golfer:
“How so?”
First golfer:
“If you hit it into the sand, it beeps. You hit it into the water, it floats. If you want to play golf at night it glows.”
Second golfer:
“Hey, sounds good. Where did you get it?”
First golfer:
“I found it in the woods.”

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We have two sporting-houses in our town. Each follows a different business model
First is the deluxe sporting house: Fancy furniture, a large selection of high-priced ladies and it’s three stories tall. The place is air conditioned with a blower on the top floor.
The second place doesn’t have much in the way of amenities. Simple rooms and aging ladies. The place is just a single story tall to cut out the fuскing overhead.

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A sports expert is the guy who writes the best alibis for being wrong.

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Just heard Sam Allardyce is to become the new host of The Great British bake off.
That greedy fuскеr will do anything for extra dough!

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My wife had mentioned several times that she hoped I could get our grass mowed this weekend. Well, I procrastinated a bit too long and while I was watching football on TV, there was a 37 yard pass with a spectacular catch for a go ahead touchdown.
I jumped up and shouted, "Oh my GOSH! Did you see that?!?!"
And my wife said,
"Yes, I see... what a lovely lawn they have."

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In a bid to promote his image and ease race relations John Terry has kindly donated 100 trumpets to an African orphanage in Nigeria. Apparently he was quoted as saying “Blacks are naturally talented at music and with their big lips they should be great at trumpet playing”.

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Groaner of the week
The couple is in the throes of a divorce settlement. They must decide about custody, visitation and child support for their only son.
He:
“My son belongs with ME! You can have weekend visitation and see him a full month in the summer.”
She:
“The courts almost always side with the mother when it comes to custody. You aren’t a fit parent, you just sit around and play chess all day! Chess! Chess! Chess!”
She:
“And knowing you, you would prefer to live in Georgia rather than Florida. How will you handle that?”
He:
“It’s too early in the divorce proceedings to talk about travel and relocation.”
She:
“You are treating our son like a раwn! Where would you move?”
He:
“Раwn to e4, like I always do.”

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Lets play railroad I'll be the train and ur the tunnel

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