Sports Jokes

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Muhammad Ali in 1974: Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee
Floyd Mayweather in 2015: Run like a chicken, hug like a bear

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Stranger: Catch any fish?
Fisherman: Did I! I took 25 out of this stream this morning.
Stranger: Do you know who I am? I’m the game warden.
Fisherman: Do you know who I am? I’m the biggest liar in the country.

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A football fаn is a guy who’ll yell at the quarterback for not spotting an open receiver forty-five yards down the field, and then head for the parking lot and not be able to find his own car.

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We have two sporting-houses in our town. Each follows a different business model
First is the deluxe sporting house: Fancy furniture, a large selection of high-priced ladies and it’s three stories tall. The place is air conditioned with a blower on the top floor.
The second place doesn’t have much in the way of amenities. Simple rooms and aging ladies. The place is just a single story tall to cut out the fuскing overhead.

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“So I was having dinner in this Italian bistro with Garry Kasporov, the famous chess player,,,
Problem was, like all Italian restaurants they have those red and white checkered tablecloths.
It took Kasporov two hours to pass the salt shaker!”

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A sports expert is the guy who writes the best alibis for being wrong.

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Just heard Sam Allardyce is to become the new host of The Great British bake off.
That greedy fuскеr will do anything for extra dough!

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My wife had mentioned several times that she hoped I could get our grass mowed this weekend. Well, I procrastinated a bit too long and while I was watching football on TV, there was a 37 yard pass with a spectacular catch for a go ahead touchdown.
I jumped up and shouted, "Oh my GOSH! Did you see that?!?!"
And my wife said,
"Yes, I see... what a lovely lawn they have."

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In a bid to promote his image and ease race relations John Terry has kindly donated 100 trumpets to an African orphanage in Nigeria. Apparently he was quoted as saying “Blacks are naturally talented at music and with their big lips they should be great at trumpet playing”.

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Groaner of the week
The couple is in the throes of a divorce settlement. They must decide about custody, visitation and child support for their only son.
He:
“My son belongs with ME! You can have weekend visitation and see him a full month in the summer.”
She:
“The courts almost always side with the mother when it comes to custody. You aren’t a fit parent, you just sit around and play chess all day! Chess! Chess! Chess!”
She:
“And knowing you, you would prefer to live in Georgia rather than Florida. How will you handle that?”
He:
“It’s too early in the divorce proceedings to talk about travel and relocation.”
She:
“You are treating our son like a раwn! Where would you move?”
He:
“Раwn to e4, like I always do.”

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Lets play railroad I'll be the train and ur the tunnel

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My idea of a SUPER BOWL is a toilet that cleans itself...

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Q. What’s brown, 12 inches long, and can do the 100 metres in under 10 seconds?
A. Usain Bolt’s diск.

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Some people are disgusting!
My girlfriend’s brother left two sunderland season tickets on his dashboard and someone has smashed the window and left two more.

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I got injured playing table tennis yesterday. It’s great having the extra surface area but
The added weight can really hurt your back.

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“Look, Charlie,” the coach said, “you know the principles of good sportsmanship. You know the Little League doesn’t allow temper tantrums, shouting at the umpire, or abusive language.”
“Yes sir, I understand.” “Good, Charlie. Now, would you explain that to your father?”

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Old Bubba was fishing along the Bayou for catfish one day when he spots a water moccasin slithering across the water with a toad in its mouth. Being a longtime fisherman, he knows the best bait for large catfish are toads. In a flash, Bubba grabs the snake from behind and carefully removes the toad from its mouth and puts the toad in his side bag. Fearing the angry snake would bite him; Bubba grabs his bottle of daddy's moonshine from his pocket and carefully pours 2 drops into the snake's mouth. The snake's eyes glaze over and quickly go limp. Bubba carefully places the snake back in the water.
A few hours later, Bubba is just about to head back home, when he feels something tapping on his leg. He looks down and is amazed to see the same water moccasin with 2 frogs in its mouth.

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Newspaper headlines in Canada before, during and after Jamaican-Born Canadian sprinter, Ben Johnson, was found to have used illegal steroids.
First Headline:
“Canadian Sprinter Wins Gold in 100 meters!
Second Headline:
“Jamaican-Canadian Athlete Tests Positive for Steroids!”
Third Headline:
“Jamaican Athlete Stripped of Gold Medal.”

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