Sports Jokes

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Jurgen Klopp goes in to church to confession and says,
“Forgive me father for I have sinned!”
The priest replies, “Come forth my child!” Klopp retorts, “Come forth? We’ll be lucky if we come вlооdy tenth!”

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"Hello 911, my wife passed out, but wait, I think she's starting to come to again."
(911) "What happened just before she passed out?"
"I asked her if she wanted to go out to dinner."
(911) "Then what happened?"
"She said, 'On a Monday night?' and then she passed out."
(911) "No worries then, she'll be fine. I get a rash of these calls when they cancel Monday night football."

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I think football would become an even better game if someone could invent a ball that kicks back.

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The wife was telling me I need more exercise. I told her, "Well, I'll take up sports then."
She laughed and said,
"Why don't you just order the sports channel on cable? Shaking your fist at the TV and yelling at the games is more exercise than you'll get actually playing them."

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Oakland Raiders football practice was delayed on Monday for nearly two hours. One of the players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look down and notice a suspicious-looking, unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.
Practice was immediately suspended while the Drug Enforcement Agency was called in to investigate.
After a complete field analysis, the DEA determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line. Practice was resumed when the DEA agents decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.

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He can't decide whether to have his visor half open or half closed.

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Beware: At 5pm today 11 CLOWNS will be running around London in England stripes!

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If I buy a soccer ball, will you kick it with me?

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My favorite baseball team keeps losing games, but they continue to have a T-Shirt Night, Cap Night, Bat Night, etc...
How about something new and exciting this season like a WINNING Night!

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It was only her second date with a diehard baseball fаn, and Sally was a little nervous. It was her fault they arrived at the ballpark a full hour after the game had started. Taking her seat, Sally glanced up at the scoreboard. It was a tight pitcher’s battle, bottom of the fifth, 0-0. “Look, John,” she exclaimed with relief, “we haven’t missed a thing.”

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What do you call 143 white guys chasing after one black guy?
The PGA Tour
Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student?
Because education pays off in the long run!
Why did the chicken get sent off?
For persistent fowl play!
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
Because it heard the referee was blowing fouls
What should a football team do if the pitch is flooded?
Bring on their subs!
Why did Cinderella get kicked off the baseball team?
Because she ran away from the ball!
Why Was Cinderella such a lousy baseball player?
She had a pumpkin for a coach!
Why did a outfielder take a piece of rope onto the field?
He was the skipper!
How did the football pitch end up as triangle?
Somebody took a corner!
Why didn’t the dog want to play football?
It was a boxer!
What lights up a soccer stadium?
A soccer match!
Why do grasshoppers not go to many football matches?
They prefer cricket matches!

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A German competitor was lost, and wanted directions to the Olympic village. He was standing outside East Ham tube station when he saw two lads walking by so he stops them and asks, ‘Entschuldigung, sprechen Sie Deutsch?” ‘
The two lads look at each other blankly and stare back at the German.
‘Excusez-moi, parlez vous Français?’ He tries.
The two continue to stare.
‘Parlare Italiano?’ Still absolutely no response from the two lads.
‘Hablan ustedes Espanol?’ The London lads remain totally silent.
The German Olympian walks off extremely disappointed and downhearted that he had not been understood. One of the boys turns to the second and says, ‘You know, maybe we should learn a foreign language!’
‘Why?’ says the other, ‘That German guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good!’

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Sven was just pulling his boat up on shore when Ollie wandered up with a puzzlement: …
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Ollie: Sven! Vat cho been doin?
Sven: I bin fishin,’ Ole. Wha cho tink I bin doin with deese here rods?
Ollie: Ditcha catch anythin?
Sven: (Under his breath:
“Dumb svede.”) Of course I catch somethin. Sven alvays catches ven he fishes.
Ole: If I guess how many you catch will you gimme one o’ dem?
Sven: If you guesses how many I catch I’ll give you BOTH a dem!
Ole: I guess TREE!
Sven: Dat ain’t bad for a Svede. You only missed it by TWO!

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Why aren't football stadiums built in outer space?
Because there's no atmosphere!

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Why do Canadians do it doggy style? ….
…..
So the guy has a place to rest his Molson’s вееr and Hickory Sticks and watch the hockey game.

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"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."
"Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical."
"Because it gets late early." (On why it's so tough to play left field in Yankee stadium.)
"If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's gonna stop them."
"It ain't over till it's over."
"It's deja vu all over again."
"No wonder nobody comes here; it's too crowded."
"We have very deep depth!"
"We made too many wrong mistakes."
"You can observe a lot by just watching."

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Mike Tyson's new slogans:
If you can't Fight Them !
Bite Them !
If you can't Beat Them !
Eat Them !

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I invented telescopic arms for snooker players…….. And the rest is history.

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