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Technology

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Tech Glossary:
486: The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
State-of-the-art: Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete: Any computer you own.
Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
G3: Apple's new Macs that make you say 'Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.'
Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."
Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.
GUI: What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced 'gooey')
Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Power User: Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
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Tech Talk:
- Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
- My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
- Definition of an upgrade: old bugs out, new ones in.
- C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
- Why doesn't it ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename"?
- As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
- Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
- E Pluribus Modem
- >File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
- Ethernet (n): something used to catch the Etherbunny.
- A mainframe: the biggest PC peripheral available.
- A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.
- Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
- Windows: just another pane in the glass.
- Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
- All computers wait at the same speed.
- Go ahead, make my data.
- Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
- Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
- ASCII sтuрid question, get a sтuрid ANSI.
- Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
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A French maid was tidying up for a wealthy computer whiz. She commented that he had a nice PC. He looked frustrated and said, "Yeah, it's top of the line, but I can't seem to get any programs to start up. You wouldn't happen to know how these gizmos work, do you?"
She replied, "I'm sorry monsieur, I would love to help you, but oh la la, I don't do Windows!"
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Geek Воотy Call... Test::
I'd like to do a usability test of your backend.
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Who invented the first computer in Biblical Times?
Eve - she had an Apple in one hand and a Wаng in the other!
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Geek Воотy Call... Together:
We'd go together like a monomer and reaction initialiser.
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Scientist Воотy Call... Trait:
Your eyes are a deep shade of a recessive genetic trait. I like that.
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As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
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Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson Computer?
It has two bytes and no memory.
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Geek Воотy Call... Upgrade:
My hard drive upgrades every time I look at you.
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A woman arrives at the Pearly Gates and finds St. Peter is not there, but a computer terminal is sitting next to the arch.
She walks up to it and sees, "Welcome to www.Heaven.com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue."
She doesn't have either, but underneath the fields is a small line reading:
"Forgot your ID or Password? Click Here." So she does.
Up pops a screen that reads, "Please enter at least two of the following, and your pasword and ID will be e-mailed to you." The fields included "Name," "Date of birth," "Date of death," and "Favorite Food."
The woman enters her name and date of birth, and clicks "Submit."
Up pops another screen that reads, "We are sorry, we did not find a match in our database. Would you like to register?" So the woman clicks the button marked "Yes."
A long and detailed form appears on the screen, and the woman spends some time filling it out. Then she clicks the "Submit" button.
Now she is faced with a screen reading, "We are sorry, this service is temporarily unavailable. Please try again later."
There is a button marked "Back." She clicks it.
A new page appears.
It reads, "Welcome to www.Purgatory.com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue..."
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Stimmen Човек отива на преглед при психиатър. Случвало ли ви се е някога да чувате гласове Uma loira foi fazer uma consulta ao psiquiatra porque se sentia mal. Chegando lá o psiquiatra pergunta: Πάει μια ξανθιά σε εναν ψυχίατρο: Patient: "Herr Doktor - Докторе Herr Doktor Um homem procura um psiquiatra Paziente: "Dottore O psiquiatra pergunta ao paciente: — Você costuma ouvir vozes sem saber quem está falando ou de onde elas vêm? — Sim En man mådde dåligt och sökte läkarvård. Doktorn frågade: – Händer det att du hör röster utan att du veta varifrån dem kommer? – Javisst. – Hur ofta då? – Varje gång jag svarar i telefonen… - "dottore El doctor le dice a un loco: - Míreme bien a los ojos. Y después le pregunta: - ¿Así que cuando usted habla escucha voces y no sabe quien le esta hablando? El loco responde: - Sí Doctor Πόντιος Γιατρέ μου δεν είμαι καθόλου καλά. Ακούω φωνές αλλά δεν βλέπω κανέναν. Γιατρός Μάλιστα. Και πότε σας συμβαίνει αυτό; Πόντιος Κάθε φορά που μιλάω στο τηλέφωνο! Γιατρέ έχω πρόβλημα. Ακούω φωνές και δεν βλέπω κανέναν δίπλα μου. - Μάλιστα. πότε το παθαίνετε αυτό; - Όταν μιλάω στο τηλέφωνο γιατρέ. Ægtefolk Mellem ægtefolk: Hun: - Der må være noget galt; jeg synes hele tiden jeg hører stemmer! Han: - Ja Ein Ostfriese zum Psychater: "Herr Doktor Ο ασθενής στον ψυχίατρο: - Γιατρέ μου
Blonde: "Doc, you've gotta help me. I keep hearing voices."
Doc: "When are you hearing these voices?"
Blonde: "When I'm on the telephone."
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Q: What is the difference between sеx and computers?
A: With computers, the software goes into the hardware. With sеx, the hardware goes into the software.
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How is a computer like Britney Spears?
They're both cheap, white, and plastic.
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How is a computer like an air conditioner?
When you open Windows it won't work!
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Robot Воотy Call... Walks::
I enjoy long walks away from sand and water.
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Geek Воотy Call... Watch::
Can I watch while you Google yourself?
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Q: What did the baby digital watch say to the mommy analog watch?
A: "Look Ma, no hands!"
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