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My wife came home from the doctors today and was looking all pleased with herself, so I asked her why she was so happy.
She said, “The doctor said that for a 45 year old woman, I’ve got the вrеаsтs of an 18 year old.”
I said, “Oh yeah, and what did he say about your 45 year old аss?”
She said, “Your name never came up in conversation.”
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My wife claims I have a poor sense of direction.
I don’t know where she’s coming from.
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My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I’m nervous she won’t be able to pull it off.
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Why did the wizard’s wife have hickeys on her neck?
Because he was a neck-romancer.
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I just found out my wife has a twin sister.
I saw her on Tinder.
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I slept with my best friend’s wife last night and now I feel terrible.
I think she must have given me a cold or something.
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My wife is a body builder.
She’s pregnant.
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I’m trying to convince my wife that I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
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It’s really hard to say what my wife does for a living.
She sells sea shells on the sea shore.
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My deaf wife just told me that “We need to talk.”
That was not a good sign.
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My wife apologised for the first time ever today.
She said she’s sorry she ever married me.
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My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.
So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm.
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My wife said to me, “I hate myself because I look fат. Can you give me a compliment?”
I said, “You’ve got perfect eyesight.”
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My wife left me because of my depression.
Which cheered me right up.
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It’s my wife’s birthday in a couple of days and when I asked her what she wanted she said she’d be happy with anything with lots of diamonds in it.
She’s going to love this pack of playing cards I’ve bought her.
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I no longer see my wife and kids and it’s all because of gambling.
I won the lottery and moved to Spain.
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My wife is still mad at me because I accidentally put superglue on her pen a few days ago.
She just can’t seem to let it go.
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I hate when my wife gets mad at me for being lazy.
It’s not like I did anything.
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