Jokes about Women

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An elderly lady decided she wanted the inside of her home painted so she looked in the newspaper and found an ad that said "No indoor house painting to small or large, call us right away!". The lady gave the man a call and the next day he came to her house.
The woman showed him the bedroom and said she wanted it painted light blue. He measured the room, wrote down the color, then he went to the front door and yelled out, "Green side up!"
Then they went to the kitchen and she asked for a light yellow color. The man wrote it down, went to the front door and again yelled, "Green side up!"
This went on for two other rooms with the man always going to the door and yelling "green side up" after they were done getting everything on paper. The woman asked the man how come after every room was finished he would go the front door and yell?
The man laughed and told her that he also does landscaping and that he had just hired three idiots to lay sоd across the street.
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A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,……….
‘Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.’
‘I have a better idea,’ she replied ‘Just for tonight,…… let’s pretend that we’re married.’
‘Wow!…………………. That’s a great idea!’, he exclaimed.
‘Good,’ she replied. ………….’Get your own f***ing blanket.’
After a moment of silence, …………………. He farted.
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A guy ends up with an older woman at a bar last. She looked pretty good for a 55-year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all and he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.
They drank a couple of beers and she asked if he’d ever had a “Sportsman’s Double”?
“What’s that?” the guy asked. “It’s a mother and daughter тhrееsоме.” she said.
As the guy’s mind began to embrace the idea and he wondered what her daughter might look like, he said, “No, I haven’t.”
They drank a bit more,then she said with a wink, “tonight’s your lucky night.”
They hopped into a taxi and went back to her place.
When they arrived back at her place and they walked into the front door, she turned on the hall light and shouted upstairs “Mom… you still awake?”
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During some excavation work, a team of Israeli archaeologists discovered a previously undetected cave. They were very excited because the following five symbols were carved on one wall of the cave:
A woman
A donkey
A shovel
A fish
A Star of David
The archaeologists declared this a unique find. The carvings were thought to be at least three thousand years old. They carefully cut out the piece of stone holding the symbols and sent it in to the Tel Aviv Museum. Soon, archaeologists from all over the world were invited to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The chairman opened the meeting by pointing to the first symbol and saying:
We can judge from the first symbol that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell that they were smart enough to train donkeys to help them till the soil. The shovel symbol means they had tools to work with. Their intelligence is highlighted by the fish, which means that when their crops failed, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol means they were evidently Hebrew.
The audience applauded enthusiastically. Suddenly, a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, Idiots!
Hebrew is read from right to left. This is what it says: ‘Holy Mackerel, Dig the Аss on that Woman.’
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