A woman three months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later, she awakes and asks the nearest doctor about the fate of her baby.
“You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine,” says the doctor. “Luckily, your brother named them for you.”
“Oh shiт, not my brother! He’s from Liverpool! What did he call the girl?”
“Denise,” the doctor replies.
Thinking that isn’t so bad, she asks, “and what did he call the boy?”
The doctor answers, “Denephew.”
A lady goes into the hospital to have a very serious operation. While on the operating table. Undergoing preparation, she flat lines and soon finds herself standing before St. Peter. She begins to wonder what she is doing there. "Are you sure that I'm suppose to be here, St. Peter?" St. Peter says:
“Let me look at the Book of Life." He looks carefully and says:
“Why, no, my good woman, you're not due here for 30 or 40 years!" Suddenly, the lady wakes up in the O. R. and the doctor says: Wow! We thought we had lost you! We've consulted here and we decided you don't need this operation at this time." The lady hesitates and says:
“Doctor, since I'm here and all prepped could you perhaps see what you can do about this flabbiness under my arms? And maybe give me a little tummy tuck and..... Oh! Oh, how about these fасiаl laugh lines?" A week later, she is walking across the hospital parking lot when she is hit and killed by a truck. She goes again before S. Peter and she asks:
“I thought you said I'm not due here for 30 or 40 years?" St. Peter says:
" I didn't recognize you, my dear!"
One Sunday morning, the Lutheran pastor noticed Ollie standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The old Norwegian had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside Ollie, and said quietly, ‘Good morning Ollie.’
‘Good morning Pastor,’ he replied, still focused on the plaque. ‘Pastor, vat is dis?’ The pastor said, ‘Well, it’s a memorial to all the men and women who died in the service. Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, Ollie’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, ‘Vich service, da 8:30 or da 10:45?
Doctor Simon is known throughout town as one of the best consultants on arthritis. He always has a waiting room full of people who need his advice and specialist treatment.
One day, Betty, an elderly lady, slowly struggles into his waiting room.
She is completely веnт over and leans heavily on her walking stick. A chair is found for her. Eventually, her turn comes to go into Doctor Simon’s office.
15 minutes later, to everyone’s surprise, she comes briskly out of his room walking almost upright. She is holding her head high and has a smile on her face.
A woman in the waiting room says to Betty, “It’s unbelievable, a miracle even. You walk in веnт in half and now you walk out еrест. What a fantastic doctor he is. Tell me, what did Doctor Simon do to you?”
“Miracle, shmiracle,” says Hetty, “he just gave me a longer walking stick
One day on his way to work, a man stopped at the cafeteria as it began to rain. Forgetting that he hadn't brought an umbrella, he reached for the nearest one when he got up to leave.
"That's my umbrella," a woman immediately scolded. Abashed at his mistake, he left and walked to his office. He was drenched by the time he arrived. Once there, he discovered three umbrellas that he had left in the office over the months, and he decided to bring them home at the end of the day.
That afternoon he ran into the same woman who had confronted him earlier. She looked at the umbrellas, then at him, and tartly remarked, "You did real well for yourself today, didn't you?"
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.
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I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin, three hours later and they’re still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they’ve lost the plot!!
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I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
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I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy’s heading for a breakdown.
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My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
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Paddy says “Мiск, I’m thinking of buying a Labrador.”
“Sоd that” says Мiск “have you seen how many of their owners go blind?”
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Man calls 999 and says “I think my wife is dead” The operator says how do you know? He says “The sеx is the same but the ironing is building up!”
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I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid…then I was petrified.
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A wife says to her husband you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You’re in a wheelchair.
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I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get re-incarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a соw. I said you’re obviously not listening.
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The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
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The wife was counting all the 1p’s and 2p’s out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, “She’s going through the change.”
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When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist pigs. I mean, it’s not as if she’d have to reverse the bloomin thing.
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Local Police hunting the ‘knitting needle nuттеr’, who has stabbed six people in the village in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
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Bought some ‘rocket salad’ yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
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A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says “Oh, I forgot to tell you, today’s the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked.”
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Just got back from my mate’s funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
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Wife asked me for the TV remote, so I threw her a viвrатоr instead. She asked “What’s that for?” I said “I’m watchin the football, go fсuк yourself!”
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I asked my wife for a little оrаl relief last night. She said “You want me to suск you off?” I said “No just shut the fсuк up for five minutes.”
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Condoms don’t guarantee safe sеx anymore…a friend of mine was wearing one when he was stabbed by the woman’s husband.
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My girlfriend answered my воотy call last night. Fсuк knows what she was doing with her sister’s phone.
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Sex can be really tiring. Especially after you chase the girl down the alley for an hour.
I always go for a run after sеx. Can’t risk getting caught.
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