Jokes about Women

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Eric is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his вееr. Tom walks in and sits down. After trying to start a conversation several times and getting only distracted grunts he asks Eric what the problem is.
“Well,” said Eric, “I ran afoul of one of those women’s questions women ask. Now I’m in deep doo-doo at home.”
“What kind of question?, asked Tom.
“My wife asked me if I would still love her if when she was old, fат and ugly.”
“That’s easy,” said Tom. “You just say ‘Of course I will'”.
“Yeah”, said Eric, “That’s what I did, except I said ‘Of course I DO….'”

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When I got married all my friends gave me grief about it. They're like, 'Man, you only get to have sеx with one woman for the rest of your life,' which that's turned out to be true. But one woman is actually a helluva lot better than the nobody I was working with before.

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My wife was watching Loose Women earlier when the competition question came on, it was:
Complete this saying ‘Strike when the iron is…’
A) Hot
B) Cold
C) Warm
I have now written a full letter of complaint to ITV asking why the correct answer of ‘not on’ was not listed.

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A woman is frustrated with her love life because her husband has a massive crush on Brigette Bardot. To win back his attentions, she goes to a tattooist to have the letters ‘BB’ tattooed to her Воовs.
The tattooist warns her that age and gravity would probably make this unattractive later in life, and suggests the tattoo on her аss instead.
She agrees, and bends over to receive a ‘B’ on each buttock. When her husband gets home from work that night, she greets him by turning around, bending over, and lifting her dress to expose the art work. “What do you think?” the wife says.
“Uh, who the hеll is Bob?” the husband replies.

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God made a man and then rested.
God made a woman and then no one rested.

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An elegantly dressed woman entered the business office and approached an executive.
“Sir,” said the lady, “I am soliciting funds for the welfare and rehabilitation of wayward women. Would you care to donate?’ “Sorry,” replied the exec, “but I contribute directly.”!

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A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving. She called her vet who asked her to bring the dog in. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead.
"Are you sure?", the distraught woman asked. "He was a great family pet. Isn't there anything else you can do?"
The vet paused for a moment and said,
"There is one more thing we can do."
He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog.
The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage.
"Well, that confirms it." the vet announced. "Your dog is dead."
Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, "How much do I owe you?"
"That will be $330." the vet replied.
"I don't believe it!", screamed the woman. "What did you do that cost $330????"
"Well", the vet replied, "it's $30 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."

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I used to think I was trapped in a woman’s body…
Then I was born.

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Whats the diffrence between a pakistani women and a basketball team? The basketball team showers after 4 periods

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My wife is a big Tennis fаn and was telling me how distracting she finds the constant grunting noises during the women’s matches.
I have promised her I will stop.

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I was really ticked at my woman tonight, so I stapled her fun bags together.
If ya can’t liск ’em, join ’em.

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A woman goes to the doctor's and says,
"Doctor, Doctor, you have to help me. Every time I go to the bathroom, DIMES come out!"
The doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week. A week later the woman returns and says,
"Doctor, Doctor, it's gotten worse! Every time I go to the bathroom, QUARTERS come out!! What's wrong with me?"
Again the doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week. Another week passes and the woman returns and yells, "Doctor, Doctor, I'm still not getting better! Every time I go to the bathroom, HALF-DOLLARS come out! WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?!!"
The doctor says,
"Relax, Relax,... you're just going through your change!"

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A woman had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow," said her husband, "that was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the wife.

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The middle-aged woman sought help from her doctor. “All my husband does is complain that I never want to have sеx with him. And he’s right too. I have no desire at all.”
The doctor gave her a prescription and told her to return for a visit in two weeks.
After the two weeks were up, she bounced smiling into his office. “Those pills were great Doc, I’m doin’ it twice a night now.”
“That’s wonderful.” said the doctor, “What does you husband say now?”
“How should I know?” she replied. “I ain’t been home yet.”

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A woman with a baby walked into a doctor's office. She asked if they could weigh the baby.
A nurse said that the baby scale was not working that day, but what they could do is weigh the mother while she was holding the baby, and then weigh the mother by herself, and subtract.
The woman thought about this for a minute. "It wouldn't work," she said,
"I'm not the mother; I'm the aunt."

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There's a name for people without beards. Women.

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I'm a man that likes my women like I like my cars... Asian.

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I don’t understand women. They love it when you sweep them off their feet but as soon as you lock them in the back of the van they start freaking out.

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