Jokes about Women

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A man and his wife are talking:
Man - "What would happen if I were to win the lottery?"
Woman - "I would take half and leave you in a heartbeat!"
Man - "I won twelve dollars, here's six now get out!"

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Women are like rocks. They're only cool after they get wet.

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3 reasons why women undress themselves in front of men.
1. She really wants your D.
2. You’re in row Z of the friend zone.
3. She hasn’t seen you hiding in the tree.

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I love to share things with people who don’t have what I’ve got. I think that’s why I love sеx with women so much.

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A 13 year old was watching a movie on cable TV. A man ripped off a woman’s blouse and said, “I want what I want when I want it!”
The boy, turned on by the scene and the lоvемакing which followed, finished watching the movie, and decided to try what he had just witnessed on the 13 year old girl next door, a classmate.
He went over to her house, found that her parents weren’t home from work yet and ripped off her blouse. Then said, “I want what I want when I want it !”
The girl stared at him and coolly replied…. “You’ll get what I got when I get it!”

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A retired couple are discussing all aspects of their future. The man asked the woman, "What will you do if die?"
After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.
Then she inquired, "What will you do if I die first?"
He replied, "Probably the same thing."

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A man never knows when it’s a good time to fаrт in front of a woman.
Recently, I’ve scratched “being followed up a ladder” off the list.

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This is yet to be confirmed by scientists, but there are rumours that women have a certain ‘spot’, and if you hit this spot at exactly the right strength, it will make a woman willing to do anything for you. It’s called the face.

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I saw a commercial the other day for a girdle. And you know what that is, right? That's deception, ladies. These are the same women that get mad when guys lie to them. 'I thought you were single.'
'I thought you were slim.'

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I went into a fancy dress shop and asked the woman working there if they had any ghost costumes.
She said “We don’t sell those, I’m afraid.”
Stupid соw. They’re not that scary.

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Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

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There was a young woman who was very much interested in marrying this wealthy
Old gentleman.
After he proposed, she suggested, “we might even have some children!”
The old gentleman replied, “Oh, no, my parents won’t let me.”
“What do you mean?” asked the young woman
“Who are your parents?” He replied, “Mother Nature and Father time.”

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An old couple is sitting in their living room when the old woman leans over and says to the old man, "Remember when we were younger and you used to hold my hand?" The old man grabs the old woman's hand. Then she says,
"Remember when we were younger and you used to put your arm around me?" The old man puts his arm around the old woman. Then she says,
"Remember when we were younger and you used to nibble on my ear?" To the old woman's surprise, the old man gets up off the couch and starts to walk away. "Honey, where are
You going?" she says. The old man replies,
"I'm going to get my dentures."

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A woman went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of peat moss. She gave a personal check in payment and said to the clerk, "I suppose you will want some identification."
He replied, without hesitation, "No ma'am, that won't be necessary."
"How come?" asked the woman.
"Crooks don't usually buy peat moss," answered the clerk.

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A woman was walking in a graveyard when she saw a man kneeling by a grave shouting "WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DIE???" Feeling sorry for the man she put her hand on his arm and said "Is that your wife your grieving for?" To which the man replied, "No it’s my wife's ex husband"

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A Jewish woman entered a hotel. There was a sign that read:
“Pets welcome, Jews not welcome”.
Undaunted by this the Jewish lady Mrs. Rosenburg, asked the hotel owner for a room please.
The innkeeper said, “Sorry we have no vacancies.” Mrs. Rosenburg replied, “The sign says VACANCIES right there!”
The innkeeper said, “Mrs. Rosenburg, you know we don’t allow Jews here.”
Mrs. Rosenburg repiled, “I will have you know I have converted to your religion.”
The innkeeper said, ‘Oh really. Then tell me how JESUS was born?”
Mrs. Rosenburg replied, “He was born of the virgin Mary in a small town of Bethlehem in a manger.
The innkeeper said, “That’s right and why was he born in a manger?”
Mrs Rosenburg slammed her fists on the counter and shouted, “BECAUSE SOME ВLООDУ SORRY АSS OF AN INNKEEPER REFUSED TO GIVE A JEWISH LADY A F**KING ROOM”

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A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, “Lets both swim under the ship and вlоw out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.” They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. …
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Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, “Let’s swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.”
At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. “Look,” she said, “I went along with the вlоw job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the sеамеn.”

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I slept with a woman against her will last night and she kept yelling, “Please, think of my children!”
Kinky b*tch.

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