Jokes about Women

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On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great grandchildren in Boston.
Then she inquired what I did for a living. I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.
Instead she sat back and said,
"If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."

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A woman goes to a doctor named Dr. Wong. "Doctor, I can't get a date, no one will go out with me." In a very thick Asian accent, Dr. Wong says,
"Take off clothes and get on all four hands and knees." She does. "Now crawl to wall." She does so and looks back at him. "I know what wrong." “What is it Doctor! What do I have?"
"You have Ed Zachary disease."
"Ed Zachary disease? What is that?!"
"You face look Ed Zachary like you аss!"

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Just remember, outside of that beautiful slim bride on her wedding day there’s a fат woman just waiting to get in.

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A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.
He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said ‘Have you ever had a hug?’
The man said ‘No’, so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said ‘Have you ever had a kiss?’
The man said ‘No,’ so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third really beautiful woman came up to him and said, ‘Have you ever been fcuked?’
The fellow said ‘No.’
She said, ‘Well you will be soon, the tide’s coming in.’

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Most women would be happy to be woken up on their birthday with breakfast in bed, flowers and 20 minutes of great оrаl sеx!
But Oh no! Not my sister!

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A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of suскing his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop suскing your thumb, your stomach is going to вlоw up like a balloon."
Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh... I know what you've been doing."

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For decades now, women have preferred to look like ten-year-old girls by applying bikini wax to their snатсh.
Unfortunately when they tear their Brillo Pad out by the roots, their snатсh often looks like a raw chicken that is fifteen days past the “sell-by” date but is still in the butcher’s display case.

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You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there. You turn off the lights for economical reasons, not romantic ones. You read the obituaries to find eligible women. Old ladies offer to help you cross the street. Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work. The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals. A beautiful girl walks by and nothing happens. You have all the answers but nobody is asking you the questions. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going. All the names in your little black book end with MD.

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I hate 'The Bachelor,'
'The Bachelor' and 'The Bachelorette.' You know why? 'Cause all them women don't represent. All them women are cute, prissy, soft-spoke, little prissy girls. I can't stand it. Women like that can get married anyway, that's no challenge. I want to see a show with loud, outspoken, bossy вiтсhеs. Women who are stalkers. Women who be following a man home, throwing a brick in his windshield. That's my new show. Call it, 'Who Wants to Marry This Вiтсh?'

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An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up the young couple who lived there. They had been sleeping so he just tied them to the bed.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his wife, bound up on the bed in her skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't been with a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sеx with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."
She hissed and spit out her gag and said,
"I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute!"

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A priest lost his rooster and he comes to church and says anyone here see a соск? All the women raise their hands. "I'm not talking about that kind", he says. Then he says,
"Anyone here have a соск?" All the men raise their hands he says,
"Again, I'm not talking about that kind!" Then he says,
"Anyone in here see my соск?" All the kids then raise their hands.

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I was waiting at the bus stop when a fат woman waddled up.
“When’s it due, love?” I asked.
“You cheeky ваsтаrd!” she spat.
“The bus, chubby,” I said. “Who’d want to fсuк you?”

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The courtroom was packed as testimony began in the sentencing hearing of a woman convicted of murdering her husband of 20 years by poisoning his coffee.
The defence attorney knew he had his work cut out for him in order to make his client appear more sympathetic to the Judge, since she had been so “matter-of-fact” about the whole thing all during the trial.
“Mrs. Roth,” he began, “was there any point that morning where you felt pity for your husband?”
“Well… yeah… I guess…” she replied.
“And when was that?” pressed the attorney.
“Well… when he asked for his third cup.” she said.

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Two mothers were talking about their sons. The first said,
"My son is such a sаinт. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years."
The other woman said,
"Well, my son is a sаinт himself. Not only has he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time."
"My word," the first mother said. "You must be so proud."
"I am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party."

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A couple is reading the paper, the wife says: This article on overpopulation of the world says that somewhere in the world there is a woman having a baby every four seconds! Her husband not to appear uninterested said; I think they ought to find that woman and stop her!

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Women, you can wееd out the bad men. Advocate more respect for yourselves. Anywhere you go, carry an English book. As soon as the guy comes up to you:
'Here, read paragraph one. Tell me what it's saying. Underline the verb once, the subject twice. I'm going to go dance. I'll be right back.' I bet he'll leave you alone.

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Man in the circus in the Lions cage, says to the audience “i can make this Lion suск my соск”. The Lions growling, the man takes out his соск then hits the lion over the head with a stick, the Lion stops growling opens his mouth and starts suскing the mans соск! The man then turns to the audience and arrogantly says “would anyone else like to try this”? An old woman puts her hand up and says “Yes me, but dont hit me with that stick”,

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A man walks into a palm reader store and asks the reader, "Could you read my palm?"
He shows his hand to her, and she says,
"But... I can't read your hand."
"Why?" the man asks.
"I don't understand your handwriting," the woman replies.

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